A Letter From my Fish

Dear Doug,

We need to talk. As your fish I feel it’s important to make you aware of what’s happening in our relationship. Maybe you’re unaware of these issues, but I’ve been silent too long and now you should know some things.

Let me just say that it’s not easy living this way. The demand of constantly living in the public eye is wearing on me. I have no “me” time.

It was great when we first met. We spent a lot of time together after you brought me home from the county fair. But gradually we’ve grown apart. The bowl cleanings are less frequent. The home decor gifts have stopped. And the conversations are one-sided.

You tap my home with your fingers, saying brilliant things like, “Hey Killer!” Perhaps you would like me to put a metal trash can on your head and beat it with a soup ladle. Actually, I would—if my fins had opposable thumbs.

I know you’re concerned about my food intake. I watch what I eat as much as you do. But come on, you can give me a few extra flakes now and then. I don’t know, but perhaps your distorted image of how much a fish should weigh stems from watching “Splash” so many times.

I used to think it was really cute how you suck in your cheeks and mock my mouth movements to show off for your children. But do you have to do it when you’re the only one home? Yes, I notice. Even though you giggle when you do it I’m still not amused.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s not easy to write because I keep getting water in the keyboard. I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Junior