Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/31)

Washington D.C. is still digging out from a massive snow storm. People are prepared; extra shovels and boots are always available when Congress is in session

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/30)

The Illinois facility where Guantanamo Bay detainees are going reportedly won’t house more than 100 felons. It’ll be just like the Senate.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/28)

Iran is reportedly working on testing a key final component of a nuclear bomb. It’s the trigger that makes the bomb explode; they call it the public option.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/23)

Some people think a Christmas tree reflects your personality. A real tree means you like the outdoors; a fake tree means you like things symmetrical; no tree means you have cats.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/23)

The White House is expecting 50,000 people throughout the holiday season, 25,000 of which are invited.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/21)

Iraq's government is shutting down 90 nightclubs and revoking the liquor license in others. It ends any hope of Baghdad getting an NFL team.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/17)

Attendees at the Copenhagen climate summit reportedly used 1,200 limousines and dozens of private jets. Some call it a circus, but even clowns arrive in one car.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/16)

Somali pirates have formed their own investment cooperative. It’s called the Social Security Administration.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/15)

A list of this year’s 15 most commonly used words has been released. Last week a 16th word was added: transgressions.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/14)

Japanese scientists claim that even the ants that don’t do anything are vital to the success of a colony. So evidently ants have unions.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/10)

A convenience store in Florida has a dog in uniform to greet people. Wow. Those Equal Opportunity hiring laws are really getting strict.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/9)

President Obama decided not to join a global treaty banning landmines. In other words, he bowed out.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/8)

President Obama’s critics say he checks opinion polls before making major decisions. That could be why we haven’t heard if he likes Team Jacob or Team Edward.

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/7)

TLC is producing a show about mall cops, so evidently they’re tracking the new career of Jon Gosselin.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/4)

A couple in England named their baby girl Kia after she was born in the back seat of a car with the same name. She’s joined at home by her brother, Starbuck's Parking Lot.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/2)

A survey finds that 60% of Americans expect to find a new job in 2010. Those people are called Congressmen.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (12/1)

A study reveals that there are more Atheists on college campuses today than there were in 2007, except during finals week.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/30)

Despite rumors that President Obama is losing weight, he simply stays lean by exercising daily. It turns out that all of that bowing makes a good ab workout.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/29)

If it turns out the death of Chicago School Board President Michael Scott is because someone put a vicious hit on him, police can rule out anybody on the Bears defense.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/24)

According to a survey more people are re-gifting. For example, Democrats appear to be giving their Congressional seats to Republicans. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/23)

To prepare for black Friday Wal-Mart hired crowd control experts who handled the Super Bowl. Wal-Mart and the Super Bowl are a lot alike; both feature the best tacklers around.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/19)

Last week closing arguments were made in the John Gotti, Jr. trial. Prosecutors talked a little baseball; they said Derek Jeter really doesn’t have the most hits in New York history.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/18)

U.S. intelligence knew the Fort Hood gunman tried to contact Al Qaeda, but that wasn’t a reason to kick him out of the military. After all, it’s not like he’s gay.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/17)

India’s federal government bought 200 tons of gold. They either just made a good fiscal decision, or they’re providing accessories for the country’s rap artists.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/16)

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum faces charges for possessing marijuana. He’s a Cy Young Award winner, but apparently wants to be an Olympic gold-medal swimmer.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/12)

Republicans introduced a 230-page health care bill of their own. Democrats liked how short it was; it didn’t take as long to burn

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/11)

A new restaurant based on the Twilight series is opening next year in Forks, Washington. They’re into blood-sucking vampires so much the main entrĂ©e is called “the public option.”

Monday, November 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/9)

In his new book Andre Agassi admits to using meth while he was still playing pro tennis. That explains how he could play doubles without a partner.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/5)

Levi Johnston will pose for Playgirl in mid-November. I figured if he was doing a shoot it would somehow involve Sarah Palin’s crosshairs.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/4)

Last week U.N. weapons inspectors arrived in Iran to evaluate a uranium enrichment facility. They were about as welcome as Joe Biden at a mime convention.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (11/3)

Pro-Atheism ads started appearing in subway stations across New York City. The campaign is sponsored by fans of the New York Knicks.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/29)

This Halloween parents are making the Balloon Boy costume a big hit. The kids wearing it Saturday night will spend 3 hours hiding in the attic.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/28)

Next month President Obama will host leaders of the 564 American Indian tribes. His critics say it’s just a cover for him to smoke in public.


During the meeting he'll be awarded the Nobel Peace Pipe.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/27)

The snoring of a woman in England has been measured at nearly 112 decibels. Her husband said that’s the last time she gets to watch a St. Louis Rams game.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/26)

The White House criticized Fox News and pledged to handle the network like any other opponent. They’ll apologize and then blame Bush.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/22)

President Obama said he’ll give the money he won from the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. He’s buying a Chrysler.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/20)

Despite the economy, Major League Baseball drew over 73 million fans this season. Apparently the only place with better attendance is the room above the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Balloon Boy Responder Increases Shovel Sales

Fort Collins, CO – The emergency responder who used a shovel to beat up a 6-year-old’s grounded balloon is being credited for rising shovel sales.

Millions across America watched dramatic live video of Falcon Heene’s homemade flying saucer balloon float down in a field. Before checking for the boy, an unknown official quickly approached the aircraft and started beating it with a shovel.

America is apparently showing frustration at being punked by taking its own shovel beating approach. “I was mad at first because I thought the boy would get hurt by the shovel. But when he wasn’t in there I was like, ‘Kill the balloon!’” said daycare provider Cindy Morris.

IT worker Jim Billings was so upset he wanted to destroy any balloon he saw. “I wasted an afternoon watching that stupid balloon. So I did what I could. I bought four new shovels and went to a kid’s birthday party.”

In addition, the drama is quickly becoming a positive story for the economy. The White House recently announced several new shovel-ready jobs.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/15)

A new book claims that the frozen head of Ted Williams was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. They made it watch the Royals take batting practice.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/14)

Flovor Flav is doing a new reality show where he goes back to school to get his diploma. The show is called, “Class of 2030.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/12)

A growing number of people are concerned about President Obama’s safety. He never should have suggested that kids go to school all year.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Obama Wins Cy Young Because of All-Star Game Pitch

NEW YORK - Barack Obama won the Cy Young Award on Friday because of his opening pitch at the 2009 All Star Game in St. Louis. Not only is he the first U.S. president to win the award, he’s the first person to win the award in both the American and National Leagues.

The award is chosen by the Baseball Writers Association of America. Despite criticism by some that the president hasn’t proven himself in the big leagues, writer Paul Lee said there’s a reason for the skepticism. “Those people are just racist. No question he earned it. His pitch wasn’t a strike, but he was wearing those high-waist jeans. He was really trying. I’d like to see you pitch a ball wearing big pants. I bet Bush couldn’t.”

Obama said he felt humbled and unworthy of being counted in the company of the "transformative figures" of history who have achieved greatness.

"I do not view this as recognition of my own accomplishments but rather an affirmation of America," he said in the White House Rose Garden. "I accept this award with great humbleness on behalf of the great Americans who have gone before me – Whitey Ford, Greg Maddox, Oprah…”

The President's prize is worth $1.4 million, or one Olympic bid in Denmark.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/8)

The White House said it’s close to selecting a location for Guantanamo Bay detainees. It’ll have to be a place that can handle destructive personalities, so it looks like they’ll be housed at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/7)

California set energy efficiency standards for big-screen televisions. They’re strict; people haven’t had such remorse for owning a TV since the remake of Knight Rider.

Monday, October 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/5)

A study finds that 3 out of 4 NFL players go broke within two years of retirement. It appears that Brett Favre will never have that problem.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/1)

Testimony in the John “Junior” Gotti trial claims that Gotti was in the mob, then out, then back in. He’s the Brett Favre of organized crime.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/30)

The net worth of Americans grew by $2 Trillion last spring. Of course it did; our portfolios now include a car company and several banks

The Least You Should Know (9/29)

O.J. Simpson is reportedly depressed. Some people just aren’t coping with the cancellation of The Guiding Light.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/28)

Former pro wrestling CEO Linda McMahon is running for US Senate. Pro wrestling and the senate are very different. One has trash-talking actors and steroids; the other is wrestling.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/24)

Several American Airlines employees face charges of drug smuggling. Sure, they're criminals; but to their credit everything was in clear plastic bags.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/22)

German researchers report that when people are lost and confused they actually do walk in circles. Hence, the Oval Office.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/21)

ABC and NBC refused to air ads criticizing President Obama’s health care plan because it doesn’t meet their standards. Evidently the ads don’t show enough cleavage.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/15)

President Obama’s approval ratings continue to sink. Wow. He really did inherit everything from Bush.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/10)

Occidental College is offering a course in stupidity. The required text book is the U.S. tax code.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/9)

Fidel Castro said President Obama is being obstructed by right-wing extremists. Cuba is low on toilet paper, so Castro knows all about reactionary movements.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/8)

Newsweek reported that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft. So somebody else is running around playing Robin Hood.

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/7)

Now there’s a cash for appliances program. It’s a little misleading; illegal aliens got excited when they heard the government is providing $300 million for new dishwashers.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Thursday, September 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/3)

A lot of people think the Lockerbie bomber should have been left to die a painful death in prison, or worse, made an assistant coach for the Raiders.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The Least You Should Know (9/2)

Bobby Knight is going into the Indiana University Hall of Fame. The ceremony will be standing room only. Not because of the crowd, they just don’t want to have any chairs around.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/27)

Bob Dylan is releasing a Christmas album. It’s for people who want to hear those holiday favorites mumbled together without going to the office Christmas party.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/25)

Two Maryland men were arrested for shooting each other outside a Chuck E. Cheese. They figured it was safer than actually going inside.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/24)

A survey out of China reveals that prostitutes are more trustworthy than politicians. It’s a tough choice, since they’re pretty much in the same business.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/21)

As a birthday gift to President Obama, the country of Antigua named its highest mountain after him. It’s called Mountain of Debt.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/20)

Skeptics are concerned that government-run health care will lead to health care rationing. That’s okay; Congress is already demonstrating how a person can do a self-colonoscopy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/19)

Bill Clinton was actually the second choice for the North Korea trip. Ryan O’Neal was on his way to get the journalists, but got confused and picked up his daughter.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/13)

The Palestinian Fatah terror movement held a convention last week. For some reason they had a hard time finding somebody to do valet parking.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/12)

The White House said the economy is turning the corner. They’ve been saying that for months; the economy has turned so many corners it has a NASCAR sponsor.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/11)

Bears coach Lovie Smith and quarterback Jay Cutler met with Barack Obama. They thought it would just be the 3 of them but Joe Biden unexpectedly showed up for free beer.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/10)

Kevin Federline believes his sons will grow up to be sports stars. They’ll be prepared; they already have a lot of money and have had the police called to their house.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Thursday, August 06, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/6)

There’s a new stun gun out that can shock 3 people at once. The idea came from a parent with kids on summer break.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/5)

Pollster John Zogby believes the Republican Party could be on the brink of extinction. The cause? Global Whining.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/4)

Harvard professor Henry Gates said it’s time to assess what we can learn from his run-in with Cambridge police. So far, we’ve learned to just let your neighbor’s house get robbed.

Monday, August 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (8/3)

An Ohio man was arrested for threatening a telemarketer. His bond hearing was Monday at dinner time.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/30)

A new book claims President Obama is a heavy smoker. This could make history; the British might not be the only ones to burn down the White House.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/29)

Twenty six percent of Americans are obese. Our refrigerators are open so often the government is requiring more efficient light bulbs.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/28)

General Motors image chief Bob Lutz complained that GM isn’t hiring attractive women as auto show models. He’s out of touch; if they want to sell cars to Americans the only hot dish they’ll have laying on the hood is lasagna.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/27)

A bank robber in Houston said the poor economy is what forced him into the hold up. It’s pretty much the same thing Congress said about the stimulus plan.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Least You Know (7/23)

The U.S. budget deficit is over $1 trillion dollars for the first time ever. It’s not surprising; for six months the media has been telling us that President Obama is making history.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/22)

President Obama stopped by the Fox broadcast booth at the All Star Game. He didn’t analyze the game; the last time he studied something too closely the picture was all over the Internet.

The picture of President Obama apparently checking out that 16-year-old girl’s backside is still a hot topic. He won’t comment on it; ironically, he wants to see her birth certificate.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/21)

Ohio scientists are developing a fuel cell that runs on urine. The family car could create marital tension; the guys would leave the gas lid open.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/16)

In his fourth game back from a suspension for taking female fertility drugs, Manny Ramirez was ejected for throwing equipment. He threw his batting gloves, his wrist bands – pretty much everything in his purse...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/15)

The Lakers signed Ron Artest. Analysts say his size and experience could result in another Lakers championship riot.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/14)

A spokesman for former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry said he’s no peeping Tom. Barry was so stunned about being charged with stalking he dropped his binoculars.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/13)

Model Karen Mulder was arrested for threatening to attack her plastic surgeon. She told him she’d knock the nose right out of his hand.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/9)

Inmates in a Philippines prison honored Michael Jackson by performing the dance from "Thriller". Before now the only place to see that many criminals dancing is at an inaugural ball.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/8)

A man paid $1.68 million at an auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett. It’s the most anybody paid for a lunch that wasn’t in an airport.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/7)

Cubs catcher Geovani Soto tested positive for marijuana. He won't get penalized because pot isn't a performance enhancing drug. Except in competitive eating.

Monday, July 06, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/6)

The International Space Station crew snapped pictures as they looked down to Earth on a plume of smoke, ash and steam. It was either an erupting volcano or Mark Sanford’s career.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/5)

Iran's Guardian Council said there were some irregularities in the presidential election. Some irregularities? That election was so irregular it could’ve been sponsored by Ex-lax.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (7/1)

Ripley’s Believe it or Not! Museums are facing a shortage of oddities. Apparently it’s been a while since these people have been to a county fair.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/30)

New York was voted as the city with the most aggressive drivers. That place has more lead feet than a prosthesis manufacturer in China.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/29)

An 84-year-old Polish woman woke up in a hospital morgue after being declared dead by her doctor. While she was there she somehow cast a vote in the Minnesota senate race…

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/25)

President Obama wrote a note for a girl to excuse her from school while she attended his Green Bay town hall meeting. After bailing her out he put a cap on her weekly allowance.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/24)

A California woman filed a law suit because her Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries didn’t contain real berries. Some cannibals tried this once when they ate sloppy joes…

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/23)

Starbucks double-charged some customers over Memorial Day weekend. People were paying way too much for their coffee, and then this happened.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/22)

Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan led a protest near the home of George W. Bush. They didn’t have a permit; evidently, they also didn't have access to the November election results.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/18)

Colorado is seeing more Amish migrate from the east coast. A horse and buggy won’t pollute the air, but it’s wise not to step in the exhaust.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/17)

Kim Jong Il named his son as his successor. It’s not easy replacing a communist dictator, but his son has experience drawing up cell phone contracts.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/16)

Some economists say shoe sales are an economic indicator. If shoes are selling it means the economy is good. Or George Bush is speaking.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/11)

Sources say Susan Boyle lashed out at people in profane-laced tirades a couple of weeks ago because she was under so much pressure. That or she’s working on a rap album.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/10)

Carnival Cruise Lines hosted over 2,000 mostly female passengers on a 3-day cruise with the New Kids on the Block. There’s one ship that's safe from pirates.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/9)

A clown in West Virginia was arrested for alleged drunken driving. Police are still questioning the other passengers in the car. All 87 of them.

Monday, June 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/8)

Britain's military might allow female soldiers to fight on the front lines. Some women are already training in the United States at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/4)

The I.R.S. will hire about 8,000 people this year to do audits. Evidently President Obama is looking to fill a cabinet position.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/3)

A Pennsylvania middle school expelled a student for having an eyebrow trimmer. Homeland Security also determined that she’s a threat to Andy Rooney.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/2)

NASA hopes the fixed Hubble telescope will provide secrets to the universe. If that doesn’t work they’ll just ask Joe Biden.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (6/1)

Contestants in a Belgium bodybuilding competition scattered when doping officials arrived. They got there just in time; a baseball game was about to break out.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/28)

Alice Cooper performed after President Obama gave the commencement address at Arizona State. What a cool graduation; a rock star, and Alice Cooper.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/26)

The Senate approved a bill that allows guns to be carried in national parks. That makes sense; this is America, and we have the right to arm bears.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/22)

Doctors say whole body vibrations can help people lose weight. Jenny Craig just got a new competitor: Chrysler.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/20)

A puppy in England ate several alphabet refrigerator magnets. After two days it passed an issue of the National Enquirer.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/19)

Michael Phelps said he was unaware the day his 3-month ban from swimming ended. Lately he’s just been in a fog.

See, even he doesn’t follow competitive swimming.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/18)

In Oregon, police arrested 7 people involved in a brawl during karaoke at a bar. It was total chaos and people were screaming in pain; then a fight broke out.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/14)

President Obama said he can’t just make the banks do whatever he wants by pressing a button. He also needs a rope and pulley.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/13)

President Obama’s “Yes We Can” slogan is being used by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his campaign. But he can’t win with just words; he also needs a good jump shot.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/12)

There’s an increase in unemployed workers buying gym memberships. But as luck would have it, all the treadmills are being hogged by illegal immigrants.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/11)

There seems to be some confusion about Arlen Specter switching. He keeps getting fan mail from Iowa and Maine.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/7)

Rodeo star Bobby Griswold was arrested for performing dentistry on a horse. Police are still unsure how he got it in the dental chair.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/6)

The CIA reportedly waterboarded the 9/11 mastermind 183 times. They wanted him to think he was drowning, and it was unethical to make him take out a sub-prime mortgage.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/5)

Harvard University opened a lab to study how dogs think. They originally wanted to study cats, but negotiations fell through with their union.

Monday, May 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (5/4)

A man in Ecuador was caught driving with his 2 sons in the trunk of a small car. It’s not like he could strap them to the hood; where would his wife ride?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/30)

The Education Secretary thinks American children should be in class six days a week. On the seventh day teachers can attend their A.A. meetings.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/29)

Retired Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is creating video games that teach kids about government. The games take 4 people to play, but 3 of them watch.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/28)

Walgreens pulled a Chia Pet in the image of President Obama. So much for his next gift to Queen Elizabeth…

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/27)

General Motors is helping to build a tiny, two-wheeled electric car. It parks easily into a stall, as long as somebody else isn’t in there using the toilet.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/23)

The Center for Disease Control found rocket fuel in some powdered baby formula. It turned out to be part of a new education plan that teaches toddlers to count down from 10.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/23)

Former Utah Jazz guard John Stockton is going to the Hall of Fame. He had more steals than a politician at a school for the blind during Earth Hour.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/21)

A new study reveals that insomnia doubles the risk of suicide. A person can only handle so much Billy Mays at 2 a.m.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/20)

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday surrounded by new and former girlfriends. Dodger Stadium was packed.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/16)

Researchers discovered a drug that may treat kleptomania, a condition where people have the urge to hoard or collect things. Maybe this will keep Madonna away from the orphanage.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/15)

Now that the government is in the car business, President Obama said they'll back warrantees on newly purchased cars. Maybe they should hire David Duke as a mechanic; he’s got experience under the hood.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/14)

A minor league baseball park in Michigan is selling a 4,800-calorie hamburger. It comes with the usual condiments – ketchup, mustard, a colonoscopy…

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/13)

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said the U.S. shares the blame for violence in Mexico because we buy drugs, as evidenced by our fixation on a blanket with sleeves.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/9)

The Supreme Court reviewed a Hillary Clinton documentary that was made by a conservative filmmaker. They were surprised to learn that she took steroids and started a Ponzi scheme.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/8)

President Obama created a task force to study the tax code, already breaking his promise that the U.S. won’t torture.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/7)

According to a new study, it’s safe for an expectant mother to eat during labor. Especially when she has you in a headlock.

Monday, April 06, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/6)

Madonna was denied a bid to adopt a 4-year old girl from Malawi. That's two failed attempts; the last little girl she tried to adopt got caught using steroids.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/2)

According to a new report, only 10 percent of blind Americans can read Braille. It sounds low, but that’s still 10 percent more than politicians who can read a stimulus bill.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (4/1)

Justice Clarence Thomas believes Americans know their cell phone bills better than the Constitution. The difference is that one of them can only be changed by an act of Congress, and the other one is the Constitution.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/31)

To save money the U.S. Agency for International Development will start buying condoms from China. That should go over like a lead balloon.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/30)

A Dallas high school allegedly forced students to settle disputes in bare-fisted steel cage matches. It's part of the district's program that prepares children for Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/26)

A North Carolina woman claims her dog ate $400 in cash. The dog maintains his innocence, but the evidence is piling up.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/25)

Research suggests that having a positive attitude helps people live longer. That explains all of the Tony Robbins books being sent to Bernie Madoff.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/24)

Historians are saying some of the auctioned items that reportedly belonged to Gandhi may not be authentic. Specifically, his laptop.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/23)

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presented Russia with a novelty button that was supposed to read “reset,” but it translated to say “overcharge.”

They should’ve let Bill do this project; he’s the expert with buttons.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

More Breadsticks and Humility Please

I haven't written for a week. Our little spring break getaway provided some introspection. We went to Denver so Brandon could see a professional basketball game, but instead settled watching the Nets play the Nuggets. It was a 25-point blowout for the home team.

Anyway, the trip became one of the most memorable our family has taken. Aside from the lobby of the Wingate being occupied with police when we checked in, it began as your average vacation. Later, as Emma took her nap in the room we debated for the better part of an hour on a place to eat dinner. As the head of the house, and a good coin flipper, I chose the Olive Garden.

Our waitress was busy, which meant the service was slow. Dinner was strung out longer than necessary, but we laughed and had a good time listening to Emma sing. It was time to get our bill and leave. I imagine that's what the people around us also thought, but we hadn't seen our waitress for so long we wondered if her shift was over. Then, she appeared, searching for words and said, "Folks, the gentleman at the table over there picked up your bill, so you're good to go."

We were stunned. A man and woman sat about 10 feet from us. After we figured out a tip, I slowly approached their table. Neither one looked up. I stood gazing from one to the other like I was watching a tennis match. Finally, the lady looked up with tears in her eyes and said, "He didn't want you to know."

I turned back to him and extended my hand with a simple "Thank you." He tried to fight back tears and slowly shook my hand, "Just take care of your family." By now Melissa and the kids were behind me saying thanks. The woman reminded Melissa how blessed we are. Knowing they didn't want any more attention, we walked away.

It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. It also had an impact on my 9-year-old son; later that night in a Wal-Mart parking lot he walked over to a lady struggling to load some storage containers into her car and volunteered to help.

He took the lead. As the cowards in Washington tell us who is deserving and who should be punished for succeeding too much, they dismiss the virtues with which God graced humanity -- kindness, compassion, and honor.

Our country didn't fall into chaos overnight. It happened one selfish act at a time. We can reclaim greatness by moving outside of ourselves and serving others.

And we can begin right now.

The Least You Should Know (3/19)

President Obama reportedly goes everywhere with his teleprompter. Last week Michelle got out of bed for a glass of water and bumped her head on the healthcare speech.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/12)

The State Department is advising college students to avoid Mexico on spring break. It’s because of the lawlessness and drugs; and it's pretty bad in Mexico too.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/11)

Wheel of Fortune just celebrated its 5,000th episode. Pat Sajak has sent almost as many people to resort hotels as an AIG employee retreat.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/10)

A woman in Britain holds a world record with 6,000 piercings. She has more holes in her than a Will Ferrell movie plot.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/9)

A new survey shows that nearly half of Americans are worried about losing their jobs. The other half doesn’t half to worry about it any more.

Friday, March 06, 2009

PM Brown Faces Late Fees on Obama DVD’s

WASHINGTON -- British Prime Minister Gordon Brown faces a late fee for not returning a set of 25 DVD’s to the White House.

“I thought they were a gift from President Obama,” Brown told a group of reporters.

The Prime Minister apparently thought he could keep the movies. On Brown’s first trip to Washington since the president took office he gave the Obamas several historical gifts. The U.S. Commander-in-Chief seemed to reciprocate by presenting Mr. Brown with a set of 25 classic American movies.

However, Friday afternoon he discovered they were loaners. Brown received a call from Vice President Joe Biden warning him to return the DVD’s.

“He said if I don’t return them today he will charge me a late fee for keeping them past the 24-hour rental period. I told him I really meant to watch the movies that Americans hold so close to their hearts. Now I’m disappointed because I’ve heard so much about Dude, Where’s My Car.”

Biden defended the call. “Everybody needs to pay their fair share. It’s the British Prime Minister’s patriotic duty to pay these late fees.”

President Obama supports the policy decision. “Remember, this is a new era of responsibility.”

Thursday, March 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/5)

A Utah man discovered 35 pounds of marijuana stashed in the fuel tank of his new car. It explained why the fuel gage didn't work, and also why the car never started before noon.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/4)

A couple in Idaho got married at a funeral home. It was destiny; the bride’s dad said they’d get married over his dead body.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (3/3)

Tiger Woods returned to golf last week. It’s been awhile; the last time he golfed Michael Phelps was setting gold records and the Dow Jones was high.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/27)

Not to be too critical already, but President Obama’s administration if about as transparent as a Joaquin Phoenix press conference.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/26)

Police in Italy arrested a transvestite mob boss. He’s known as the Oddfather.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/25)

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said Alex Rodriguez will have to live with the damage he’s done to his name and reputation. Then again, so does everybody else who dates Madonna.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/24)

Last week President Obama signed the $787 billion stimulus bill. It’s the most anybody's spent at one time who wasn't shopping from a Sky Mall catalog.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/23)

Arkansas lawmakers approved a bill that allows concealed guns in churches. That should get more money in the collection plate.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/19)

Kentucky Fried Chicken’s hand written recipe was moved to a high-tech vault. It’s the most talked-about way to cook a bird, if you don’t have a jet engine.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/17)

Former Dodgers outfielder Andruw Jones signed with the Texas Rangers. He made the move because of their hitting coach; and their pastry chef.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/16)

The Smithsonian Institution wants Aretha Franklin’s inauguration hat. They’d even provide the tractor-trailer to move it there.

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/13)

On Groundhog Day, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was bitten by a groundhog named Chuck. He was told there’s no risk of rabies; so Chuck bit him.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/12)

British scientists say excessive chatting by teenage girls on Facebook can lead to depression. Then again, so can asparagus.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/11)

McDonald’s profits are up 80 percent, so it’s likely the deficit won’t be the only thing expanding.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/5)

The President's proposed stimulus bill is over $900 billion. Or as the Yankees call it, a signing bonus.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/4)

Economists report that profits are down for porn, strippers, and gambling. Last week Congress got a bailout request from Satan.

**
Upon Further Review:

Maybe I'm not seeing it, but there seems to be a lack of data supporting how beneficial porn, strippers, and gambling are to society. While those vices do provide material for writing Charles Barkley lines, I'm not sad to see them struggling. If people want to gamble they should gamble on their own ability. Or buy stock in General Motors.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/3)

McDonald's is planning to open 1,000 new stores worldwide next year. It's their plan to create more jobs…in cardiology.

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Least You Should Know (2/2)

Britney Spears signed a book deal to write her life’s story. Proceeds will benefit a charity she started – Kevin Federline.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/29)

It was revealed that the classical music played at the Inauguration was pre-recorded. Unfortunately, the oath of office wasn’t.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/27)

NBA owners reversed a ban on serving hard liquor during live games. Fans are stunned to learn that until now Mark Cuban was sober.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/26)

Chicago barber shops are getting requests for the "Obama Cut." They'll give it to anybody as long as they're wet behind the ears.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/22)

The Detroit Lions hired Jim Schwartz as their new coach. It’s a 4-year deal, but could be reduced with good behavior.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/21)

ESPN provided live coverage of Barack Obama’s swearing-in ceremony. It was similar to Bill Clinton’s swearing-in coverage on the Playboy Channel.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/20)

Barack Obama’s Inauguration celebration features similarities to Abraham Lincoln’s. Specifically, they both enjoyed live music by Bruce Springsteen.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/19)

Barack Obama said to fix the economy everybody has to sacrifice and have some skin in the game. Bill Clinton said, “I’m in.”

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/15)

Studies indicate that more couples are deciding not to have children. It’s because of the economy. And a visit to Chuck E. Cheese.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/14)

Scientists say the Milky Way galaxy is bigger and heavier than previously thought. But it’s probably just big-boned.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/13)

Al Qaeda says an attack on the United States can be avoided if everybody converts to Islam. That’s asking a lot; we can’t even convert to digital TV.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/12)

Research indicates that children who do poorly in math cost taxpayers billions each year. Mainly because they grow up and vote.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/9)

A woman in California had a 14 pound baby. The child has his daddy’s eyes. And shoe size.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/8)

A Long Island teenager earned all 121 merit badges offered by the Boy Scouts of America. He’s slept under so many stars his nickname is Madonna.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/7)

Congress issued an alert that promised Inaugural ceremonies will be filled with long delays, large crowds, and potential injury or death. In other words, it’s a trip to Wal-Mart.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/6)

Chicago firefighters responded to a small fire at the house of Jesse Jackson, Jr. They say it apparently started from an overheated paper shredder.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (1/5)

Last year Arab leaders gave Condi Rice jewelry worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. It's an unstable alliance, so they got relationship advice from Kobe Bryant.