tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225757422024-03-07T14:51:49.626-08:00Doug Johnson ComedyStimulating the economy with material that's shovel-ready.Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.comBlogger1093125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-3243653033242695222022-01-12T17:41:00.004-08:002022-01-12T17:42:16.583-08:00The Least You Should Know (1/12)60 percent of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. And that day is whatever day Joe Biden is talking to international leaders.Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-48508159244203805992020-05-15T14:08:00.003-07:002020-05-15T14:51:20.878-07:00Isolation Thoughts<!--AddToAny BEGIN-->
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Some random thoughts, as we spend way too much time alone.</div>
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<li style="line-height: 1.5;">All these years I never realized Charlie Brown’s teacher intros Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On a Prayer. </li>
<li style="line-height: 1.5;">People who tell you to cough into your elbow are double-jointed. </li>
<li style="line-height: 1.5;">There should be more concern that with all of the toilet paper hysteria, there isn’t a proportionate shortage of air fresheners.</li>
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<!--AddToAny END-->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-70149329910780872702019-07-25T15:40:00.003-07:002019-07-25T15:42:09.369-07:00<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
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Settle down, Better Homes & Gardens. It's a set of sheets. Not a race car.<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-24880671947972219832018-01-17T15:30:00.000-08:002018-01-17T15:36:09.793-08:00The Blind Spot<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
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Our three children range in age from four to 18. I'm sure you can imagine the smiles people my age have when I share that in one weekend two years ago we tackled a promposal, a science fair, and potty training. There are times, however, when smiles turn to an inquisitive look that prepare me for the familiar question, "Oh, was your youngest an accident?"<br />
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An accident, to me, conjures up images of: 1). injury, despair, and
panic; 2). or, you wet your pants (remember potty training?).<br />
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<br />
By those definitions I'm not sure how an accident squares with conception. You never hear somebody say, "After chemistry lab last semester I backed my car into somebody in the parking lot. It was just an accident, but now she's pregnant."</div>
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To that end, here are some standard replies to the "accident" question:<br /><ul>
<li> "Why? What have you heard?"</li>
<li>"No, he wasn't an accident. I don't mean to brag, but I know how people are made."</li>
<li>"No, he wasn't an accident My wife and I both passed high school biology."</li>
<li>"Yes he was. But my wife is going to make an honest man out of me and we're getting married."</li>
<li>"Yes, he was planned. Want to see the blueprints?" </li>
<li>"I certainly hope he wasn't an accident. I thought I did everything right." </li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-51368691039725519272016-11-09T15:31:00.000-08:002016-11-11T14:49:15.275-08:00Jesus Joins Twitter, Only Has 12 FollowersAs I sat at 2:26 a.m. waiting for people to count ballots on
the east coast, my mind wandered. Maybe it was sleep deprivation, but I realized
how tired I am of the media, in their arrogance and ignorance, and how crooked
they are. Then I wondered how today's media might cover stories from the Bible to shape
a political message. More to come, but here are a few:
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Illnesses blamed on Messiah for providing
gluten-filled bread</li>
<li>
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>Flood lasting 40 days, 40 nights caused by
global warming</li>
<li>God creates woman; doesn’t provide equal access
to man’s bathroom </li>
<li>Creator of the universe punishes man, woman in garden
for being vegetarian</li>
<li>Coat of many colors likely made from Pride flag</li>
<li>Neglected juvenile uses slingshot to stone
overweight man</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-22185326194562034382016-08-16T16:03:00.001-07:002022-01-12T17:16:00.702-08:00<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
<br />
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Donald Trump’s childhood home is for sale. It has five bedrooms, five bathrooms, and <br />
<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-11541825137559054342016-01-28T16:08:00.002-08:002016-01-28T16:08:43.595-08:00Update from Third Grade<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
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"Daddy, I have two things to tell you about today. First, Cameron Elling won the spelling bee. Second, two kindergartners threw up."<br />
<br />
This has been your update from third grade. <br />
<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-67827527729454765802014-11-19T21:33:00.002-08:002014-11-19T21:33:42.723-08:00For Better or Hearse<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->Charles Manson is <a href="http://www.usnewse.com/2014/11/charles-manson-gets-license-to-wed-26.html" target="_blank"> getting married. <br /></a>
<br />
We shouldn't judge. In America a person has the right to marry somebody who's crazy. So don't criticize Charles Manson.<br />
<br />
There's quite an age difference -- he's 80 years old and his bride is 26. He's old enough to be her grandfather's killer. That means when he's 100, she'll be dead for 20 years. <br />
<br />
That had to be an awkward conversation when she told her dad. "Dad, I met the man I want to marry."<br />
<br />
"I didn't know you were seeing anybody!"<br />
<br />
"Yeah I see him every Tuesday."<br />
<br />
"Great! What does he do?"<br />
<br />
"Time."<br />
<br />
At least they won't argue over which in-laws they'll spend the holidays with. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-52564857895584619232014-06-13T02:00:00.000-07:002014-06-13T02:00:01.311-07:00The Least You Should Know (6/13)<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
A survey finds that only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map. In fairness, the other 5 were looking at Vladimir Putin's map.<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-43424185662637822352014-05-12T03:00:00.000-07:002014-05-12T03:00:04.095-07:00Infomercial pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sent to prison for repeatedly defrauding customers. He got 10 years; at first the judge only sentenced him to 8, and then shouted, “But wait – there’s more!” <br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-11507352544511438632014-05-09T03:00:00.000-07:002014-05-09T03:00:11.448-07:00The Least You Should Know (5/9)A South Carolina man was arrested for trying to
pay his lunch tab with a trillion-dollar bill. And yet he still didn’t have
enough money because he was eating in an airport. <br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-74494494300674641732014-04-16T02:00:00.000-07:002014-04-16T02:00:06.512-07:00The Least You Should Know (4/16)Two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours. They said it was the most exciting Major League Baseball game they've ever seen.<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-59495468866438448812014-03-26T02:00:00.000-07:002014-03-26T02:00:00.316-07:00The Least You Should Know (3/26)A nun in Italy who gave birth to a baby boy said she didn’t know she was pregnant. And apparently didn’t know she was a nun.
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-14242239597994147062014-03-21T01:00:00.000-07:002014-03-21T01:00:02.826-07:00The Least You Should Know (3/21)<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
<span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">McDonald’s in Canada released a video showing
how Chicken McNuggets are made. Naturally, no animals were harmed in the making of the film.</span></span><br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-55574696971686029562014-03-19T01:00:00.000-07:002014-03-19T01:00:01.493-07:00The Least You Should Know (3/19)<!-- AddToAny BEGIN -->
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The Chicago Cubs have a new mascot this season. His name is Clark, and he
wears a backwards cap and a Cubs jersey. He doesn't wear any pants -- the rest of the league
already beat them off of him.</span><br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-33888386249496682242014-01-13T22:42:00.000-08:002014-01-13T22:44:43.835-08:00The Least You Should Know (1/14)Another Friday the 13th movie will be out in 2015. For nearly 3 decades the resilient Jason Voorhees has been stabbed, beaten, electrocuted, and shot. With the mess our country is in it seems somebody would ask what kind of health insurance HE has.<br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-51968856672960578872014-01-05T00:43:00.000-08:002014-01-05T00:50:36.155-08:00The Least You Should Know (1/5)Boxer Vitali Klitschko gave up his world
heavyweight title to enter politics in the Ukraine. A lot of people are
surprised that a man who has associated himself with such a brutal career would
give up boxing. <br />
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-30896424788741846732013-06-12T02:00:00.000-07:002013-06-12T02:00:01.047-07:00The Least You Should KnowPolice in Vietnam arrested a man for having 53 king cobras in his car. He’s in a lot of trouble. Only 5 were wearing seat belts.
In fairness, the man had to hurry; the judge said if the cobras were late for court again they'd be disbarred.
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-4833059658015848562013-02-15T02:00:00.000-08:002013-02-15T02:00:05.388-08:00The Least You Should Know (2/15)Some historians object to the amount of profanity in the movie Lincoln. They don’t think it's accurate, especially the part where the Lincoln-Douglas debates featured a freestyle rap-off.
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-30085486489655542592013-02-13T02:00:00.000-08:002013-02-13T02:00:04.820-08:00The Least You Should Know (2/13)IBM said by 2018 smart phones will be able to taste and touch. So be ready for a good scolding from your phone if you drop it in the toilet.
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-73007090444558150072013-02-11T02:00:00.000-08:002013-02-11T02:00:06.671-08:00The Least You Should Know (2/11)The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that it's permissible to fire an employee who is too good looking. That’s why people stay in radio so long – job security.
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<!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-90783875114679462872012-09-02T23:53:00.000-07:002012-09-02T23:53:40.034-07:00The Reprieve of Bob HornerI’ve been away from the blog for a month. Not a lot of funny rolling off my fingertips since Dad died August 1st. That’s okay, other than the fact that people pay me to write funny things. So, September is here, and ready or not I’m back staring at the blank screen. While I should be constructing sentences about Clint Eastwood’s empty chair hiding back stage when Chris Christie was speaking at the RNC, a story came to mind that captures the humor, patience, and compassion of my father. <br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPknZ-EUbxVWs-xdHGUK8ULU5m6uqExrzSXmsYXPpyZIj4xMiqAoSUZq8m4-CIJh8Es7EWXDlv_5m2elmxdJAXpZO0Cyc-bDriOKhO8S9ioRD_EEqR5AeHNo9NN60VCVIYicR16A/s1600/JohnsonYoung.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" fea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPknZ-EUbxVWs-xdHGUK8ULU5m6uqExrzSXmsYXPpyZIj4xMiqAoSUZq8m4-CIJh8Es7EWXDlv_5m2elmxdJAXpZO0Cyc-bDriOKhO8S9ioRD_EEqR5AeHNo9NN60VCVIYicR16A/s1600/JohnsonYoung.jpg" /></a>As a kid I loved to take my baseball mitt and bounce a tennis ball off our carport wall. Baseball fans in Moab, Utah, in the 80s had only one option when it came to watching the pros on TV – the Atlanta Braves on TBS (although the rich kids also got WGN and the Cubs). The Braves had a third baseman named Bob Horner that I would mimic. I would throw the ball off the wall at an angle, so I had to make a diving stop on the grass, spring to my feet, and throw the ball back to the wall as if I were throwing across the diamond to first (caught of course, by Braves first baseman Chris Chambliss). That was the routine for a few years, sometimes for hours after school. </div>
<br />
One day when I was 10 years old Bob and I went to the carport to make our dazzling plays for the day. After one dive, I jumped to my feet and the ball slipped just as I threw. Instead of a belt-high toss to Chambliss, the errant throw hit the umpire, which in this case was being played by a storm door. Glass. Everywhere. <br />
<br />
I called dad at his office in the middle school where he was principal, and our conversation started in a manner familiar to us both. “Dad, if I tell you something will you promise not to get mad?” The reply was always the same. “Yes, I promise.” <br />
<br />
He knew nothing about the game I played after school. So I had to set up the scenario, and retold the story of the dive and the throw that broke the glass out of the door. He didn’t immediately comment. I heard him take a deep breath as if to speak, but then he paused for another 15 minutes. Or maybe it was about 10 seconds. Regardless, a response finally came. <br />
<br />
“Well?” <br />
<br />
“Well what?” I asked. <br />
<br />
“Well did you get him out?” <br />
<br />
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</script><script src="http://static.addtoany.com/menu/page.js" type="text/javascript"></script><!-- AddToAny END -->Doug Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17235290728276983110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22575742.post-86702226322629886082012-08-15T11:35:00.000-07:002012-08-15T11:35:01.003-07:00The Least You Should Know (8/15)Octomom Nadya Suleman has signed a record deal and has already cut a song. Her stage name is the Notorious OMG.
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