Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/30)

Yankee Stadium is closed now. The plan is to demolish it, but the government keeps trying to bail it out.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/29)

Scientists controlling the Mars rover Opportunity are steering it toward a large crater, but it will take months because it can only go 110 yards a day. That explains why they nicknamed it the Cleveland Browns.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/24)

Homeland Security unveiled a machine that spots terrorists in airports by detecting heightened anxiety levels. So far the terrorists all appear to be Mets fans.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/24)

A restaurant in Switzerland is serving dishes that contain mother's milk. And I thought it was awkward when they come to your table with the pepper grinder…

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/23)

The new 3-ply toilet paper is in stores. It’s expected to compete with another new toilet paper, Lehman Brothers stock certificates.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/22)

In Las Vegas, the prosecutor keeps reminding jurors of O.J. Simpson’s controversial past. It’s important that people never forget he made those Naked Gun movies.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Palin's Personal Life Catches up With Her

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- With the election less than two months away, investigators for Barack Obama's campaign report they have damaging information on Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

The group of lawyers sent to Alaska on a fact-finding trip report that Palin, a strong supporter of family values, hangs her toilet paper the wrong way.

"Everybody knows you hang the roll with the little flappy thingy coming from the bottom," said an Obama spokesman. "It just shows how out-of-touch she is with the American people. If she can't manage her own bathroom, how can she manage this country?"

The information comes from a lawyer who spoke with a cousin of a friend who's daughter went to a birthday party of a mutual friend of Palin's daughter, Bristol, MSNBC reported early Sunday morning.

When reached for comment, Obama was in disbelief. "In all my months in the Senate I've never seen anything like it. The thing that bothers me the most is, um, she uses 2-ply toilet paper. Across the country people are using single-ply because of the failed policies of the Bush administration."

An email sent to Palin went unanswered because the account is closed.

The toilet paper story is expected to be a hot button issue in the first of three presidential debates that begin Friday.

Regardless of what happens in the debate, the revelation brings a new confidence to the Democrats.

DNC Chairman Howard Dean expressed his excitement by saying. "We finally got her."

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/19)

When John McCain was on the View last week, Whoopi asked him if he would govern by getting advice from God; McCain said he doesn’t even know Miley Cyrus.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/17)

Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez set a Major League record with his 58th save. Republicans say his save was almost as big as Sarah Palin’s.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/15)

Barack Obama was photographed taking his daughters to school last week. He liked the change; for two weeks he’d been taken to school by a girl.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/11)

John Edwards said he won’t hold any public events until after the election. Until then, all of his affairs will remain private.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/10)

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized with stomach pains. Doctors say it appeared he had eaten too many of his words.

Monday, September 08, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/8)

A town in Vermont dropped its 42-year ban on fortunetelling. Naturally, a lot of people saw it coming.

Friday, September 05, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/5)

Sean “Diddy” Combs says fuel costs have forced him to fly commercial. If security was slow before, wait until a rapper with multiple names goes through a metal detector.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/3)

A California man rammed his vehicle into the gates of the Playboy mansion twice in 5 days. At least Dodgers fans saw somebody get two hits in the same week.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Least You Should Know (9/2)

Republicans in Texas aired a commercial criticizing Barack Obama for allowing his half-brother George to live in a shack in Kenya. Kenyans aired a similar commercial criticizing George for allowing Obama to enter politics.