Friday, March 31, 2006

That's Not Funny

I’m trying to find the humor in hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens (not immigrants) taking to the streets to protest the suggestion that our weak-kneed politicians will enforce the law. Supposedly the law breakers are the backbone of the American workforce. With all these people taking off work, why hasn’t the economy collapsed during the last week?

I’m not opposed to people legally coming to America. Immigration is part of what makes our nation strong. What is aggravating is the pure arrogance of some of those protesting. They demand civil rights and protection under the law. I have no problem recognizing the civil rights of American citizens!

Judging by all of the Mexican flags I’ve seen this week, these people are proud of their country. That’s fantastic. But what if the 8 to 10 million illegal aliens stayed in Mexico and tried to bring about change in their homeland? With the passion and anger they demonstrate in American streets, they could really get something done in Mexico. In reality, though, who could blame those crossing onto U.S. soil? They come here, get paid, don’t pay taxes, and get free healthcare when they want it. Pretty good gig.

But this isn’t a matter of amnesty. It’s a matter of security. And sadly, I think our elected officials won’t realize the seriousness of it all until we are attacked again.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

On the Shelf

  • To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the "Friday the 13th" horror-flick series, a glossy, hard-cover coffee table book is in bookstores. Apparently the book never ends and keeps appearing in different rooms of your house.
  • A rock memorabilia dealer is selling tickets that were meant for a series of Led Zeppelin concerts in 1980. The tickets were about to go on sale when drummer John Bonham died and the concert never happened. It's unknown who would buy admission for an event that will never happen, but the dealer has been asked for a trade on Cubs World Series tickets.
  • The Major League Baseball season begins in a few days, which mathematically eliminates the Royals from the playoffs.

Friday, March 24, 2006

News for the Weekend

  • Since his trade from the Indiana Pacers, Ron Artest is helping the Sacramento Kings make a playoff run. He loves playing in the exciting atmosphere of Arco Arena, mainly because the wide rows make it easier to enter the seats.
  • Recent studies suggest that some chocolate can be healthy for you. Researchers were unavailable for further comment because it was a school night.
  • Business owners in England are trying a new device that emits an uncomfortable noise designed to disperse teenage loiterers outside their stores. The device is called The Greatest Hits of Patsy Cline.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Daytime Gawk

I’ve had some time to watch TV on spring break. Not good. Probably the first time in 15 years I’ve watched daytime television. With apologies to Ben Franklin, add another one to the list of life’s guarantees: somebody will get blindsided on a daytime talk show. It’s interesting though why people go on these programs. What sane person would appear on a show taped in front of a studio audience without knowing why? Imagine the conversation leading to the fiasco:
“Honey, we’re going to New York to be on Maury Povich!”
"Never mind. You’ll find out when we get there."
“Um, okay. Are we going alone or is our pharmacist coming on this vacation too?”
It would be funny but it’s too pathetic. Okay, it's kind of funny.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cleaning Up

After observing my son the other day it dawned on me that to boys (young and old), anything is a gun. Recently in the process of saving the world my son shot all the bad guys with a vacuum cleaner attachment. What if life was really like that. No guns, just vacuums. They would do a background check when you bought a Dirt Devil. There would be a 3 day waiting period so emotionally-charged citizens couldn't leave the pawn shop and go on a mass cleaning spree. Police on patrol would carry Dust Busters in their holsters. Until things got ugly: “I need backup, now! I'm surrounded by 10 dust bunnies in here. This ain't pretty! Send in the Hoover!”

Friday, March 17, 2006

Put Me in Coach

After March Madness is over, America will turn its attention to Major League baseball. I’ve often wondered about the coaches and managers. They wear uniforms just like the players. Why? Is there going to be a situation where the team needs an overweight 68 year old center fielder with bad knees? Imagine Bill Parcells standing on the Cowboys sideline in shoulder pads with his helmet under his arm, ready to spring onto the field if the defensive coordinator needs an extra blitzing linebacker. And who wouldn’t like to see Bobby Knight in his Red Raider uniform, complete with shorts hanging to his knees, come off a pick-and-roll to dunk over the opposing team’s center?

I’m not complaining that baseball coaches wear their uniforms. After all, it would be odd to see Bobby Cox and Tony LaRussa exchanging lineup cards before the game wearing polo shirts and khakis. But you can tell baseball coaches are serious because they wear cleats. When the grandfather of seven runs down that line drive in the alley, he doesn’t want to slip and fall. That would make him look silly.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Science and Technology

  • Archaeologists have unearthed a 1,000 year old brewery in the mountains of Peru. Among the artifacts were cups, pins, and Ted Kennedy’s driver’s license.
  • A new study finds that female guppies experience menopause just like humans and other animals. Which explains why the male guppies sometimes wear sweaters and attempt to turn up the thermostat.
  • Next fall, Levi’s is planning to market a slim style of jeans that is compatible with iPods. The special jeans allow wearers to operate an iPod without taking it out of their pocket. Parents are praising the iPod jeans because the slim design is different than current styles that hold a big screen T.V.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Odds and Ends...

* Danish researchers report that pregnant women who drink more than eight cups of coffee per day put the child at risk in many ways. Among them, giving birth to a child with a Don King hairdo.

* Because of budget cuts in school districts nationwide, many students are taking their P.E. classes online. Students keep online journals and must have parents or coaches certify that they complete their workouts. They must also have verification that at least once a day they’ve been slapped in the butt with a wet towel.

* A new research project intending to support a psychological theory to dieting has fallen on hard times. The idea is that if you eat from a smaller than usual plate, your brain will think you’ve eaten more than you actually have. But the project fell through when researchers discovered subjects were just using larger tables.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I Have a Frog in My Throat

A line that has stuck with me since I was a kid comes from the famous philosopher Balki Bartokomous, from the ABC (hit?) show Perfect Strangers. To verbalize his shock, Balki said, “Well paint me green and call me Gumby!” Yah, okay, so you had to see it to appreciate the humor. It’s a dumb line. But think about some other strange phrases in the American lexicon.

I’d like to be a fly on the wall to hear that conversation.” If you have magical powers that enable you to make yourself into a fly, why not just turn yourself into an invisible person?

“People are in shock after the untimely death of Kirby Puckett.” Um, isn’t everybody’s death untimely? Well, maybe not people on death row. You rarely read about the untimely death of somebody in the electric chair.

“He’s getting a taste of his own medicine.” Who’s medicine has he been tasting before now?

“That’s easy—like shooting fish in a barrel.” Exactly what kind of fish are those? That line most likely was created by the same redneck who said…

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” The motto of taxidermists and rottweilers.

“After the funeral he was laid to rest in the cemetery.” My guess is that he was resting before arriving at the cemetery.

“She’s calling it quits.” Her resignation letter simply said, “It’s quits.”

“Let’s get together and we’ll shoot the bull.” What did the bull do to you?

Those are just a few. You’ve probably had it up to here, so that’s all she wrote!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Toys Is Us

The National Toy Hall of Fame in New York recently added its newest member, the cardboard box. It was a moving acceptance speech:

“I’d like to thank those that went before me, the recycled boxes, the packing peanuts, and most of all the tape. Without you, I never could have kept myself together. Over the years I’ve been kicked, pushed, poked, and cut. People have written on me, smashed me, peed on me, slept in me, and stuffed me in the dumpster.”

“I’ve had to pack many times and move, never really knowing if I belonged in the kitchen, the den, or the garage. In the process I’ve lost close friends, such as the championship bowling trophy of 1987. He was a little hard-headed but kept a stiff upper lip when things got tough. I also remember Webster, the paperback dictionary. He always had a way with words. But mostly I miss Victoria, the satin nightshirt. She was so honest that you could see right through her. I don’t know the details, but one Saturday she disappeared because she wouldn’t cover somebody’s butt anymore. "

"All of them helped me when I was in a bind. But those days are in the past. I packed away those sad memories. Today is a celebration! I’m so happy I can hardly contain myself! Let’s blow the lid off of this place!”

Monday, March 06, 2006

A Few Observations...

* The U.S. life expectancy is now at a record high 77.6 years. As a result, the Department of Motor Vehicles is adding more square footage to the waiting area.

* Italian legislators are proposing a 20 percent tax on pornography purchases. U.S. economists estimate that a similar tax in America would pay off the national deficit in about 2 weeks.

* A study at Syracuse University finds that bat species with high intelligence have smaller testicles than less intelligent bats. The results are controversial, as the smart bats now claim that the research room was extremely cold.

* Bob Dylan will host a weekly music show on XM Satellite Radio. He will select music, interview guests, and answer emails during the hour-long show. Guests will prep for appearances on the show by being interviewed by a kazoo.

* The Iranian government has banned all Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations. So Eminem can rest easy.

Rocky Mountain Low

I remember a joke from my Bazooka Joe bubble gum rapper when I was a kid. Okay, it was last week, but it's still relevant. It said, "Joe, you're just like a teacher on summer class."

Keeping with the classless educator theme, enter Jay Bennish, the geography teacher in Aurora, Colorado. Bennish is the guy who ranted about Bush, compared him to Hitler and distorted his State of the Union address. We know about this because one of his students recorded Bennish on his MP3 player. The download is available at

Now Bennish is suing the Cherry Creek School District because they suspended him with pay while they investigate. It seems they violated his freedom of speech, squelching him from saying what’s on his mind and challenging the students to think. At the end of the recorded tirade he commented that he didn’t know if he had an opinion. What the…who the…Oh man! That’s funny. Even better is that some students staged a walkout in support of their speech-loving teacher. I heard some really knew what the walkout was for, others walked out to protest the cafeteria meatloaf.

I want to get a job in the private sector where I can rant about the liberal bias in public education. My poster boy? Jay Bennish. I’ll look to hire his attorney when I get fired.