Monday, October 31, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/31)

The NBA has now cancelled 4 weeks of games. It’s the most successful start to a Clippers season in team history.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/27)

Some players for the Boston Red Sox allegedly drank in the locker room on game days. At least they were responsible; if they got on base they’d take a cab to arrive home safely.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/26)

In an interview President Obama said that Americans are not better off than they were 4 years ago. Which is true, for everybody except Amanda Knox.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/25)

It's estimated that pet owners will spend an average of $59 dressing up their pets for Halloween. It's also estimated that pet owners will also spend an average of $200 treating their bite wounds.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/24)

Millions of bees mysteriously died in Florida. Investigators are exhausted from outlining the bodies with chalk.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/20)

An online poll asked women to name the part of a man that’s the sexiest. The answer? His chest, when it’s glistening behind a vacuum cleaner.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/19)

GM plans to put air bags between the passenger and driver’s seat in some models. They’ll wait until 2013 to do it; with an election year approaching there will already be plenty of airbags that are front and center.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/18)

Tension is increasing between Iran and the United States. We just sent them a shipment of cantaloupes from Colorado.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/17)

The Census Bureau issued an internal memo reminding workers not to take naps in the building. They're supposed to be counting people, not sheep.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Obama, Republicans Agree: AT & T Greenhouse Lady is a Hag

WASHINGTON – After three years of partisan bickering, the White House and Republican leaders agree on one thing: the wife berating her husband from a greenhouse in AT & T’s commercial is mean.

“Maybe she should’ve married John Clark,” President Barack Obama said from the Rose Garden. “We’re up here trying to get a budget together – looking at cuts, or even increasing taxes – and here’s this lady cutting down her husband trying to save on the family phone bill.”

GOP Speaker of the House John Boehner agreed. “I stand with the President on this. Steve would’ve been better off if his wife did marry John Clark. But then we’d be talking about how sorry we are for John Clark. No man should have to put up with that.”

Both parties are especially disappointed with the logistics. “That contentious tone in the greenhouse is what gets me,” said Obama. “It’s probably a greenhouse that Steve built, and that’s how she thanks him? Belittling him in front of everybody?”

“It’s like Hitler complaining to Poland that the terrain is too hard on German tanks. Um, at least that’s what I heard Hank say.”

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/13)

Starbucks is selling an $85 T-shirt that looks like you spilled coffee on yourself — much like you would do after finding out the price of a coffee-stained T-shirt.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/12)

President Obama keeps urging Israelis and Palestinians to continue peace talks. So far about the only issue they agree on is how much everybody hates the Facebook changes.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/11)

President Obama said his new tax plan isn’t class warfare, it’s math. Now Donald Trump wants to know his grade in math.

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/10)

A man in India has intentionally kept his right arm raised above his head since 1973. He holds the world record for the number of times anybody has won Volunteer of the Year.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Taking Occupy Wall Street Lead, Pets Protest Embarrassing Halloween Costumes

WASHINGTON – As the “Occupy” movement continues to spread across the U.S., dogs and cats are coming out to protest the costumes they’ll be dressed in later this month.

“Mak me sleP oWTSide instead,” read the sign of a 5-year-old schnauzer named Cheech. “I thought he liked the top hat,” lamented his owner Damon Rogers.

Many are surprised at how the pets could assemble at the same times. “Well, it’s not like they have jobs to go to,” said Ethel McNamara, owner of 3 cats. “They live here with me, so they come and go as they wish.”

Others are bewildered that the animals could even make protest signs. “I paid a lot of money for them to go to school for training,” said one dog owner. “I’m just struck by how poor their spelling is.”

Thursday, October 06, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/6)

President Obama’s campaign is having a fundraising raffle. Anybody who donates $5.00 is entered for a chance to have dinner with the president; the night of the dinner will be decided by John Boehner.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/5)

Sprint has a new app that disables texts and calls when the phone is moving above 10 MPH. That’s why nobody has heard from Muammar Gaddafi in a while.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/4)

A man wearing a Barack Obama mask robbed a Michigan bank. Republicans knew the man wasn’t really the president because he didn’t take the money from our children.

Monday, October 03, 2011

The Least You Should Know (10/3)

Scientists discovered more than 50 new planets. Just in time; we need more storage.