Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bryant Fined for Passing

LOS ANGELES – The NBA playoffs just started, but there is already turmoil in the Lakers camp. A team spokesman announced that all-star guard Kobe Bryant has been fined an undisclosed amount for passing the ball in game 1 of the series against Phoenix.

“I should know better,” said a disappointed Bryant. “My teammates count on me to score every time we have the ball. There’s no excuse for what I did.”

The controversy stems from a third quarter play in which Bryant was falling out of bounds on the baseline under his own basket. “There were three guys around me and I saw Smush (Parker) alone in the lane. I passed it. I was wrong. I should have taken the shot over the backboard.”

Naturally, Parker wasn’t expecting the pass. The ball glanced off his head and was quickly picked up by Suns guard Steve Nash.

Head coach Phil Jackson watch the event with a blank look on his face. “Frankly, I was stunned. He plays 82 games getting ready for the playoffs and in the first game he just forgets? I’d suspend him if we didn’t have to…you know…score.”

Despite letting down his team, Bryant says he’s moving forward. “I apologized in a team meeting and promised that I wouldn’t pass the ball again. They’re cool with that.”

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Honoring the V-Tech Killer

Stepping aside from goofiness on this site, I’m going to rant. I’m sick of the media pointing fingers at who is to blame for the Virginia Tech massacre. The only guy to blame is dead. Coward.

It’s a bitter sweet moment to know he’s dead. I think we all want to see him go through the judicial system and rot in a cell or die on our timeline. But then it’s also nice to know he’s sharing a room with Saddam at the Motel 666.

Thanks to NBC and others, this loser’s actions live on. In an obvious sellout for ratings, some media outlets make it impossible for those most affected to move on.

The gunman’s name should never have been released to the public. Watch a sporting event on NBC and I guarantee they won’t show a drunk fan leaping out of the stands and running across the field. Why? Because the drunk wants TV time. And they know that if they show one drunk, others will follow.

This situation is no different. It’s amusing how NBC claimed to be struggling with the decision. It must have been a tough 22 minutes. The only decision they struggled with was whether to air the video on the Nightly News or the Today show.

I don’t care what is on the video. I’ve seen the pictures on every news site I visit. People are dead. Now NBC gives a worldwide stage to a coward. It’s too bad the victims don’t get the same attention.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Weekly Review 4/13/07

  • The West Virginia Mountaineers won the N.I.T. basketball tournament, but the commemorative T-shirts players wore after the game is missing the last “I” in Virginia. Sadly, nobody noticed for 3 days.

  • In Washington, most of a group of 20 endangered rabbits that were reintroduced to the wild have been killed by predators. The killers tuned in to the bunnies’ tracking bracelets with rabbit ears.

  • President Bush is threatening to veto a Senate intelligence bill, specifically because “Senate Intelligence” is an oxymoron.

  • Democrats suggest that White House officials are lying when they say emails regarding the termination of eight U.S. prosecutors got deleted. Inside sources report the emails are in Sandy Berger’s pants.

  • Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches. Ironically they’re waterproof.

Imus Be Going Now...

I’m no fan of Don Imus. Actually, I didn’t even know he was still on the air. CBS fired him because they thought he needed to go. Fine. It’s done.

His termination comes after the execs from the Giant Eye met with Revs. Sharpton and Jackson. In the coming weeks it will be interesting to watch those two as the apparent moral police of the country. Will they hold the hip hop culture to the same standard? Will they encourage boycotts of advertisers on MTV and BET?

I think what we’ll see from them will be like a man using Saran Wrap. Sure he thinks he’s making progress, but after an hour he’s just tangled in a big mess.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Mark Across America

Just want to mention that my friend Mark Schultz is riding across America. And not in a car. He's peddling 3500 miles beginning next month to raise money for the James Fund, a non-profit organization supporting orphans and widows.

You can find more information and check out his route at

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A Letter From my Fish

Dear Doug,

We need to talk. As your fish I feel it’s important to make you aware of what’s happening in our relationship. Maybe you’re unaware of these issues, but I’ve been silent too long and now you should know some things.

Let me just say that it’s not easy living this way. The demand of constantly living in the public eye is wearing on me. I have no “me” time.

It was great when we first met. We spent a lot of time together after you brought me home from the county fair. But gradually we’ve grown apart. The bowl cleanings are less frequent. The home decor gifts have stopped. And the conversations are one-sided.

You tap my home with your fingers, saying brilliant things like, “Hey Killer!” Perhaps you would like me to put a metal trash can on your head and beat it with a soup ladle. Actually, I would—if my fins had opposable thumbs.

I know you’re concerned about my food intake. I watch what I eat as much as you do. But come on, you can give me a few extra flakes now and then. I don’t know, but perhaps your distorted image of how much a fish should weigh stems from watching “Splash” so many times.

I used to think it was really cute how you suck in your cheeks and mock my mouth movements to show off for your children. But do you have to do it when you’re the only one home? Yes, I notice. Even though you giggle when you do it I’m still not amused.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s not easy to write because I keep getting water in the keyboard. I look forward to your reply.