Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Frosty's Dating Profile

**Note: This snowman dating profile is also posted at www.littlegreenball.com

Okay, I never know what to say on these things, but here goes.

I’m a S/W/M (snow, white, male) who likes to have a good time, especially when I wear that silk hat. I enjoy the outdoors. I really can’t stand watching TV or even sitting on the couch at all. In fact, I stay away from anything electrical.

I don’t have much of a temper unless you call me flakey or empty-headed. Some say I’m soft, but I have ice water in my veins. I can stand the heat if the temperature is below 32 degrees.

I like to clean. You’ll usually find me with a broom in my hand. I don’t do windows because for some reason I always leave streaks.

I should mention that I do have a sordid past. Two years ago I got plowed. Then a woman picked me up and we went to her place. Because I have integrity, I insisted that I sleep outside until I could pull myself together. There is no truth to the rumor that this is where I got my button nose. That story was started by a dusty sled in the garage.

As long as I’m talking about past demons, I did have a run-in with the law. I feel bad because I was with the children. I led them down the streets of town. I was retaining water more than usual that day, so I wasn’t really paying attention. When running I made a loud “thumpetty thump” sound. Drivers kept getting out and kicking their tires.

Anyway, we were laughing and playing when I led them right to the traffic cop. I paused a moment, and then heard him holler “Stop!” It really frightened the children. Most are out of counseling now. Including the officer.

Well, that’s about it. If I sound like your Mr. Right, contact me before March 21st.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Weekly Review 1/26/07

  • An Amsterdam pet shop owner has created a beer for dogs, giving them a beverage for bowling night.

  • Headline: Study Links Gene to Alzheimer’s. Gene denies, blames Paul.

  • An indication that Mexico needs to modernize their police facilities comes from this Fox News headline: Mexico Holding 11 Iraqis with Fake Papers

  • A judge sentenced a Detroit man to prison after repeatedly breaking into stores and stealing female mannequins. Testimony took longer than expected because the witnesses kept falling apart.

  • A new study says that the urge to smoke is lessoned by brain damage. So if you want to quit smoking, have somebody beat the tar out of you.

The Eyes Don't Have It

Maybe it’s because I never want to look bad, but I won’t admit if I can’t see something. My contact lenses help most of the time, but occasionally I fake it.

History speaks of a man’s reluctance to ask for directions. I usually don’t ask for directions. Not because I know where I’m going, but I can’t see the street signs. It’s really a waste of time for me to ask Akmal in the 7-11 where I should go. Instead, I wisely use that time wandering around guessing at street signs. No offense to Akmal.

My not-so-perfect vision might create the illusion that I’m an unsafe driver. On the contrary, I’m as safe as anybody. I have to be alert with other cars driving the wrong way in my lane, flashing their headlights and honking.

It’s reminiscent of my first days behind the wheel in driver’s education. Of course, now I don’t have the crying middle-aged football coach in the passenger seat praying the rosary. I miss him. He would play tricks on me, joking about stop signs and railroad crossings. I’m still not sure how he made those train sounds.

At the end of my driving day I remove the contacts and put on glasses. The optometrist suggested that I get some special lenses that won’t scratch. I’m not sure what nightly activities he thinks I engage in that necessitate scratch-proof lenses. I don’t even own a cat.

He also suggested I get a prescription windshield for my car, but he says that idea came from his brother. He’s a retired football coach.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Weekly Review 1/19/07

  • President Bush will discuss a global warming policy in his State of the Union speech, but many Americans won’t see it because ice storms knocked out their power.

  • China is testing an anti-satellite device. They call it “Doug’s Television.”

  • Amsterdam’s red-light district is getting a statue in honor of the city’s prostitutes. It will cost $50, and only stand for one night. Outside the health clinic. In the gutter.

  • German researchers report that higher doses of Viagra may impair the ability to smell. “Tell me about it,” said a frustrated Pinocchio.

  • A New Hampshire man is barricaded in his house after being convicted of tax evasion. Authorities will wait indefinitely, then capture his assets.

  • An Omaha veterinarian faces accusations he injected horses with vodka to calm their nerves before races. Jockeys grew suspicious when the horses kept calling ex-girlfriends.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Girl Crazy

Reflecting on the birth of my daughter last week, I recorded the timeline with notes for future reference. It began around 8:30 when my wife’s water broke. It's pretty impressive to break water, especially when pregnant.

8:32 a.m.
Grab pre-packed suitcase for quick exit. GOOD DECISION
Yell “Here, catch!” BAD DECISION

8:51 a.m.
Warm up car and back out of garage. GOOD DECISION
Honk horn repeatedly so she knows to hustle. BAD DECISION

9:01 a.m.
Call hospital to let them know we're on the way. GOOD DECISION
Identify us as the man with the leaky lady. BAD DECISION

9:37 a.m.
Notify o.b. nurse that I'm the labor coach. GOOD DECISION
Draw up a play on my clipboard for her and the doctor. BAD DECISION

10:46 a.m.
Watch monitor and notify her of coming contractions. GOOD DECISION
Insist she use the contraction "ain't" during contractions. BAD DECISION

12:31 p.m.
Momentarily leave to give loved ones an update. GOOD DECISION
Return 10 minutes later with a chili dog. BAD DECISION

12:48 p.m.
Help her breath through an intense contraction. GOOD DECISION
Comment, "Wow! That looks like it hurts!" BAD DECISION

1:17 p.m.
Acknowledge relief that doctor has arrived. GOOD DECISION
Ask him where the key is to the T.V. cabinet. BAD DECISION

1:24 p.m.
Hold hand and whisper encouragement as she pushes. GOOD DECISION
Mimic Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It." BAD DECISION

1:25 p.m.
Tell her the baby is crowning and it has a lot of hair. GOOD DECISION
Ask if she remembers Cousin It on the Addams Family. BAD DECISION

1:27 p.m.
Tell her that she just gave birth to a beautiful girl. GOOD DECISION
Ask when we're having another baby. BAD DECISION

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Minimizing Minimum Wage

I often consider starting another blog that separates my political opinions from comedy. In reality though, politics provide some of the best comedy fodder.

Congress is raising the minimum wage. Why is this funny? Ultimately, the raise gets taken in taxes. Sure it’s a raise—a raise in tax revenue for the gubmint.

Does anybody make minimum wage anymore? I mean besides high school students with no marketable skills. Even in my rural Kansas community, the unemployment rate is so low that business owners tell me the most unskilled workers laugh at minimum wage. In addition, many states have their own minimum wages already.

For the sake of argument, suppose there really is an abundance of skilled, educated Americans making $5.15 an hour trying to support a family (research shows otherwise, but remember this is an argument). When the minimum wage goes to $7.25 an hour, employers have no choice but to make up the difference somewhere. Perhaps they’ll cut the number of hours the employees work. Perhaps they’ll cut jobs entirely. Most likely, the difference will be made up in retail prices. Now the person making $8.00 an hour has to pay higher prices, yet doesn’t get a pay raise.

Wages should be driven by the market, not the government. Keep raising the minimum wage, and the next problem will be an increase in unemployment and poverty--the very thing we're told minimum wage will prevent.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Weekly Review 1/5/07

  • 3,500 cattle are believed to have frozen on rangeland in southeastern Colorado, creating a surplus of cubed steak.

  • Pieces of a Russian rocket reentered the atmosphere over parts of Wyoming. NASA reports it was shot down by Dick Cheney.

  • A million-dollar stone sculpture, intended to remind future generations of the Earth's fragility, collapsed just three months after its unveiling in Georgia. The artist quickly changed the metaphor of his project to remind future generations of Jimmy Carter’s presidency.

  • A Connecticut DMV instructor is charged with coercing a woman to strip in exchange for passing her driver's test. The instructor argues the woman misunderstood when he instructed her to put her top down to pass.

  • Toyota is developing a car that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol. It is also working on a similar product for men at the bar.

  • A woman is suing Oprah Winfrey’s studio, alleging she was pushed down stairs in a rush for seats during a TV taping. Winfrey’s attorneys offered a cash settlement and free tickets to the Jerry Springer Show.