Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Future Drama

A Kansas boy forgot where he left his shoes last week, but remembers things his dad said prior to the boy’s birth in 1999.

Brandon Johnson is holding his dad to a comment he made in February of 1996, more than three years before Brandon was born.

“It was a Thursday,” Brandon recalls. “He was wearing that blue T-shirt. Dad said some day when he had kids he would take them to Disneyland. I remember like it was yesterday.”

When pressed about the whereabouts of his shoes, the boy defended his forgetfulness. “I have a lot going on right now, you know. We’re doing double-digit addition at school and my brain is all gooey. It’s full. How can I remember where I put stuff?”

Brandon’s father doesn’t remember saying anything about Disneyland. “I was wearing a blue shirt? I might have said it. I’m not saying I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t, either. Go ask his mother.”

The boy’s dad remembered something important. “I definitely didn’t have children. Does it matter that I wasn’t even married then?”

It doesn’t matter, according to Brandon. The forgotten promise doesn’t end with trips to California. The boy excitedly relates a comment his dad made under the monkey bars in third grade. “He said he’ll let his kids eat ice cream every night for dinner!”

That was an idea that his father liked. “Ice cream, huh? I probably did say that. It makes sense. I should write this stuff down.”

“Can I go now? I have to go buy some shoes for my son.”

* Read this article and others at

Friday, February 23, 2007

Weekly Review 2/23/07

  • A 5,000 year old artificial eye was found on the Iran-Afghan border. Naturally, it was spotted by a seeing eye dog.

  • A movie is being made about the lip synching act Milli Vanilli. To make it authentic, the soundtrack will be provided by Ashlee Simpson.

  • In Columbia, an unidentified gunman opened fire on two clowns. The clowns returned fire but the "bang" flag got jammed in their guns.

  • The photo of a "mystery weapon" found by GIs in Iraq has captured the imagination of people worldwide. Turns out the weapon is a jar of Peter Pan.

  • An Argentine woman tried to smuggle cocaine hidden in chocolate-coated cookies. This finally explains the Cookie Monster’s erratic behavior.

  • A New York TV station reports that a Taco Bell/KFC has a rat problem. The Health Department says the best way to exterminate the rats is to let them eat the food.

  • A lady buying a coat said to be made of faux fur discovered it was actually dog fur. She became suspicious when the coat kept hanging out the car window.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Weekly Review 2/16/07

  • Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s story is already being made into a movie. Her family will play the role of the diapers.

  • A Michigan woman lost her $5,000 wedding ring when her pit bull ate it. Sad, since it was still on her finger.

  • New York City Catholic leaders declared a holy war against the city's distribution of 26 million free condoms. Upon hearing of this, Democrats immediately passed a non-binding anti-war resolution.

  • A new study reveals that your office desk harbors far more bacteria than your workplace restroom. The big difference? Paperwork.

  • A dog owner is accusing a groomer of cutting off her dog’s ear and trying to glue it back on. Thus ends the grooming career of Mike Tyson.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Weekly Review 2/9/07

  • An Israeli company is working on the world’s first flying automobile. They call it, a Rental Car.

  • Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff tried to sell his budget request to Congress. If they don’t buy it he’ll auction it on eBay.

  • An Oklahoma man is encouraging people to recognize February as “Return Carts to the Supermarket” month. In other news, every Ford Focus in America has been stolen.

  • A New York teacher is under fire for allegedly using cocaine in the classroom. The teacher argues it was part of a geography lesson about Columbia.

  • The guy who invented the automobile air bag will be inducted into the Inventors Hall of Fame at a ceremony in May. He’s a small man, so he’ll have to sit in the back.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Congress to Tax Homework

WASTHINGTON -- In a bold initiative to balance the budget, Congress is seeking to increase revenue by taxing homework on America’s school children.

“It just seems to fit,” said one senator from North Carolina. “This is America, and everybody who works has to pay their share of taxes. Why should young people be any different? Work is work.”

The bill is a bipartisan attempt by Congress to show America that the two parties can get along. The premise is that tax dollars generated by homework would allow schools to be self-sustaining, therefore allocating grownup taxes to important areas.

Another congressman spoke on the condition of anonymity: “This is an important issue according to this week’s CNN/Gallop poll, and we won’t stop until this piece of legislation passes, or until the polls change—whichever comes first…wait, are you recording this?”

The bill is greatly anticipated by Katherine Bond, a South Dakota mother who home schools her seven children. “Yes, of course we’re in favor of this legislation. With the additional money our school generates we’ll be able to vacation more. Sometimes we’ll even take our children.”

Others, however, are showing great concern if the legislation passes. “I would have to get a job so I could afford to pay taxes on my homework,” lamented a little boy simply known as ‘Johnny.’

“Of course, I’ll pay taxes on the money I get from my job. But how could I go to school if I’m working to pay taxes? Man, I have too many distractions. This is why I can’t read.”

Johnny and others will have a chance to voice their concern during a legislative hearing in Washington, for those able to find it on a map. No date is set for the hearing but will likely occur before school gets out.
**this article is also posted at

Friday, February 02, 2007

Weekly Review 2/2/07

  • A Virginia man found a bag of marijuana hidden with the pizza delivered to his house. The small town is stunned because nobody knew Willie Nelson works for Pizza Hut.

  • Archaeologists in England have unearthed an ancient village for festival-goers. They call it “Miami.”

  • Cars were banned in Italian cities Sunday to lower pollution levels. To compensate, pedestrians had to shout expletives at the bikers who cut them off.

  • A safety problem prompted an emergency shutdown at a Russian nuclear power plant. Surprising, since the plant just received a glowing review.

  • Sir Richard Branson is offering parents the chance to put the umbilical blood of newborns in a stem cell storage bank. It’s easy to make a deposit, but a withdrawal could cost an arm and a leg.

  • The Minnesota State High School League banned all wrestling competition after a large outbreak of herpes. Remember, you’re not just wrestling with one person. You’re wrestling with everybody he’s wrestled with, and everybody those people wrestled with, literally wrestling with thousands of people each time you get on the mat.