Friday, December 29, 2006

Weekly Review 12/29/06

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his right leg skiing, making obvious what some have suspected for a long time: he leans to the left.

  • The U.S. government declared that food from cloned animals is safe to eat. You’ll just throw up twice as much.

  • Saddam Hussein's lawyer implored world leaders to prevent the United States from handing over the dictator to Iraqi authorities for hanging. An Iraqi official said, “Our hands are tied at this point, but we plan to cut him loose soon.”

  • Paris Hilton is reportedly jealous of Saddam because now he will be the world’s most talked about swinger.

  • Mike Tyson faces DUI charges after being pulled over in Scottsdale early Friday morning. When the judge asked how he wants to plead, an angry Tyson said, “Come closer and I’ll whisper it in your ear.”

Friday, December 22, 2006

Weekly Review 12/22/06

  • To assist in weight loss, Boston researchers introduced a new nasal spray that reduces the sense of smell that draws people to food. They call it “Taco Bell.”

  • The Denver Nuggets trade for Allen Iverson is having an immediate economic impact on the city. There are already seven new tattoo parlors.

  • There is uncertainty if Iverson and Carmelo Anthony can coexist on the same team. To ease tensions, a separate locker room is being built for their egos.

  • Headline: Man Gets College Diploma at Age 100 (asks for deferment on student loan)

  • A Chicago man is being charged with stealing the identities of nearly 90 Major League baseball players. His bond was set at 250 syringes.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Weekly Review 12/15/06

  • Prince will headline the Super Bowl halftime show next month, where he’ll perform a new song, “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Band.”

  • Nicole Richie was arrested for driving under the influence early Monday morning. To see how much she drank, officers held her up to a headlight.

  • Swedish police will have to order their first toilet paper in 20 years after an administrative error in 1986 left them with an enormous stock. Nobody knows which person made the ordering mistake, and now the officers have nothing to go on.

  • A foreign student at a Rhode Island truck driving school is under investigation after he told his instructor he only wants to learn how to drive forward. He says he’ll learn how to back up when he goes to France.

  • Italian researchers say that shots of Botox can relieve constipation. “Apparently Italians inject it in a different place,” said Senator Nancy Pelosi.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Ambiguous Tears

Once a guy begins writing comedy, he views the world differently. Political correctness has to take a back seat because life really is funny. Even when it’s not. There’s really no appropriate way to introduce certain topics without sounding crass. I’ll just begin:

So I’m at this funeral…actually, yesterday there was a viewing of our friend. Indeed, he looked peaceful with his arms folded and his rosary in his hands. As my wife and I stood paying our respects, another person came up and commented, “He sure looks good, doesn't he?”

“Looks good? Compared to what? I hate to split hairs but I’ve seen him look much better than this. You know, with his eyes open and breathing and stuff.”

That’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I smiled in agreement.

Maybe that woman’s comment wasn’t that funny. In a sad atmosphere, caring people want to say something that will ease the pain without using a cliché; often, they try a bit too hard. Even in death we’re all human. And funny.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Weekly Review 12/8/06

  • Former president Jimmy Carter said he wants to be buried in the front yard of his Plains, GA home. Political observers understand this as they’ve watched him dig his own grave since leaving the White House.

  • To mark the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death, Hershey’s is introducing a peanut butter and banana Reece’s Cup. Only seven will be produced, but they’re expected to reappear at gas stations and restaurants throughout the Midwest.

  • Headline: Green Onions Target of Taco Bell E. Coli
    Album sales plummet for Booker T & the MG’s

  • A man shopping at an Oklahoma Wal-Mart found a small bag of cocaine on the shelf. Police say it had little street value because it was part of the four dollar generic drug program.

  • A Wisconsin salesman logged over 1 million miles on his Saab over the course of seventeen years, or as it’s measured in Chevy time, three back surgeries.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Weekly Review 12/1/06

  • Headline: Judge Strikes Down Bush On Terror Groups (thousands martyred by poison oak)

  • A New York man broke into his neighbor’s barn, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of obscene magazines on the floor. Dateline NBC is scheduling a new investigation on kid porn.

  • A Florida man stopped an alleged house burglar by beating him into submission with a football helmet. Though 44 years old, the homeowner received a scholarship to play football at the University of Miami.

  • Italian researchers report that a ten-story tsunami thrashed the Mediterranean Sea 8,000 years ago. FEMA is dispatching assistance tomorrow.

  • Partnering with the Arbor Day Foundation, Frito Lay is giving away 25,000 trees to nonprofit organizations. Prior to shipping, each tiny tree is wrapped in a gigantic bag filled with air.

  • Reports from China say that a theme park will be built in honor of Bruce Lee. The park will boast a statue of the martial-arts expert, a conference hall, and a zero-gravity amusement ride called “Pants of Fury.”