Sunday, November 30, 2008

Checkout Lines are the New Soup Lines

Somebody better tell the American consumer. The media says we're in a financial crisis. It's the worst economy since the Great Depression. Unemployment! Soup lines!

Maybe things are bad. Friday I did see Americans standing in lines, but it didn't appear those people are missing many meals. I want to tell them the new Xbox has no nutritional value. It goes straight to your hips.

Early data indicates an increase in Black Friday sales compared to last year. Perhaps my little Northwest Kansas community is propping up the nation. Every day at lunch parking lots are filled at fast food restaurants. But I bet those people are waiting for crumbs that are thrown in the dumpster.

Unemployment will likely go over 7 percent this week. It's obviously the tipping point to the Depression's jobless rate of 25 percent.

Somebody better do something to ease the pain -- like hiring an extra checkout clerk for lane 12.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/25)

A German army medic confirmed a long-time rumor that Hitler only had one testicle. This isn’t news; everybody knows Hitler was unbalanced.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/25)

An Oregon woman lost her $400,000 retirement after falling for the Nigerian e-mail scam. The rest of us are smarter than that; we lose our retirement in the stock market.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/24)

Huntington, West Virginia, is the nation’s unhealthiest city. And it’s not getting any better. Two weeks ago they re-elected Mayor McCheese.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/21)

Barack Obama officially resigned from the U.S. Senate. It's a sign of the times; another jobless American waiting to move into government housing.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/20)

Congress is changing its focus from buying up bad mortgages to bailing out auto makers. Like many Americans, they’re moving from the house to the car.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/19)

Scientists are working on a beer that fights cancer. It makes sense; everybody knows a good fight involves beer.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/18)

The New York Post printed Barack Obama's family tree. Some people say it’s incomplete, but they forget Lazarus was only a friend.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/17)

San Francisco officials decided to install a suicide prevention net under the Golden Gate Bridge. They hope to have it in place before the next 49ers game.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/14)

An Oregon city elected America’s first transgender mayor. Apparently Barack Obama isn’t the only one who ran on a platform of change.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/13)

Actor Daniel Craig believes the world may be ready for a black James Bond. He could star in a movie called Dr. Yo.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/12)

Janet Jackson’s producers say the rest of her tour is cancelled because of scheduling conflicts. Even she has better things to do than go to her concerts.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/11)

With the Obama win many conservatives are considering moving to another country. That’s right; they might go to San Francisco.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

What Now?

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

The Least You Should Know (11/6)

The Orlando Sun-Sentinel published a list of people who reportedly slept with Madonna. I’m not saying the list is big, but 3 paper delivery boys threw out their backs.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/5)

A survey shows that 44 percent of people do their best thinking in the shower. That explains why our Congress stinks.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/4)

There’s video circulating the internet of Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter. Evidently wealth isn't the only thing he's spreading.

Monday, November 03, 2008

The Least You Should Know (11/3)

A Dubai radio station fired a DJ for impersonating God. It's different in the United States. We don't fire people for impersonating God; we elect them.