Friday, July 28, 2006

Weekly Review 7/28/06

  • While in the Wal-Mart garden department, a Florida man reached into a bush and was bitten by a snake. Democrats have been warning for years that you’ll get bit if you mess with a Bush.

  • British newspapers report that, while on her Confessions world tour, Madonna demands a new toilet seat in every venue she plays. Her people even have to inspect the seat before it’s installed. Conservatives argue that too many people have already inspected Madonna’s seat.

  • In New York, a town councilwoman is continuing her campaign even after someone put a horse head in her swimming pool. Early election poles show that she could win by a nose.

  • A Scotland Yard detective, telling police he was working undercover to video al-Qaeda suspects, was arrested for allegedly filming up women’s skirts with a hidden camera. If that’s where Bin Laden is, Clinton would have picked him up in about 10 minutes.

  • Maryland police charged three 17-year old students for possession of marijuana gumballs. The students claimed they were chewing Orbit™.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Out of This World

We had our first sonogram today. Apparently I’m the father of a 4 inch, 3 ounce alien. It’s odd because I don’t remember my wife making any trips to Roswell within the last fourteen weeks. But there’s our little E.T. on the monitor with a gigantic head and oval eyes. We have a lot to get done around the mother ship, putting the sleeping cocoon together and painting the nursery chamber.

I should get busy, because in less than 7 months I’ll hold our newborn for the first time and whisper a soft “Nanu, Nanu.”

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Weekly Review 7/22/06

  • A 22-year old man filed a lawsuit against his former high school yearbook. Tyler Bennett says he has suffered psychological harm from the yearbook photo that shows his genitals as he’s gliding through the air shooting a basketball. Apparently he had great hang time.

  • In Greencastle, Ind., investigators are searching for the people responsible for stealing dozens of Rs from signs at gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices. Police do have a suspect.

  • A Madison, WI, man was sentenced to four months for keeping his dead mother in a freezer so he could keep collecting her Social Security checks. The man says he just wanted some cold, hard cash.

  • A cat in Great Britain is getting publicity because it was born with one mouth and two faces. Veterinarians say it has a bright future in politics.

  • A University of Central Florida student is accused of setting his dorm couch on fire as a way to meet women as they evacuated the building. The man claims he was looking for an old flame.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Weekly Review 7/15/06

  • At the funeral of Ken Lay, the Reverend Dr. Bill Lawson compared Lay with Jesus Christ. I suppose he's right because they were both dealing with false prophets (profits).

  • In Singapore, a skeleton was found slumped over a toilet in an abandoned house. Apparently the person was waiting for the plumber.

  • Astronauts at the International Space Station received an oxygen reserve with the installation of a new device from NASA that can turn astronaut pee into oxygen. Meanwhile, nationwide enrollments for CPR classes are down.

  • At a Dallas hospital, a patient in who was wearing an oxygen mask tried to light a cigarette in his room, sparking a fire that forced the evacuation of more than 100 patients, destroyed the room and melted medical equipment. Fire officials say he’s the toast of the town.

  • 83-year-old Jim Eriotes became the oldest man to play professional baseball when he batted for the Sioux Falls Canaries on Thursday. He took four swings—fouling off one pitch—before striking out. Upon learning of the foul ball, the Royals signed him to a multi-year contract.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Some Jokes Write Themselves

I went to an upholstery shop yesterday to have the console lid in my Explorer recovered. I took the lid in the shop and asked the guy if he could do the job. He told me he could, and that I’m lucky I came in because he’s going out of business soon. Then he picked up the lid, looked at closely, and asked, “What color is this? I’m color blind.”

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Weekly Review 7/8/06

  • The Yankees lost to the Indians, 19-1, on George Steinbrenner’s birthday. Apparently there was some confusion when he told his team to celebrate and get bombed.

  • In Britain, a new contraceptive is being developed to control the grey squirrel population. Once the product is on the market, the squirrels will use it to educate Brittany Spears.

  • Enron founder Kenneth Lay, convicted in May of defrauding investors, died Wednesday of a heart attack. Prosecutors are stunned that Lay had a heart.

  • A security guard at the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant was so absorbed in playing a hand-held video game that he failed to see an inspector approach during a surprise inspection. The inspector was reassured after learning the guard has worked there 27 years and literally has grown eyes in the back of his head.

  • At a Sydney, Australia, jail five inmates rushed a guard and ran for freedom when she opened the cell door to give them some toilet paper. After being captured the inmates claim they weren’t escaping, but just had the runs.

  • I hooked up the voice activated TV remote I got for Father’s Day. If I snore it changes the channel to Lifetime.

Monday, July 03, 2006


I recently bought a false alarm clock. It’s guaranteed to go off intermittently within 6 hours of when I actually need to get up. It’s two-faced. It sends up a red flag, fires a warning shot and blows hot air. It puts on a good front, pulls tricks out of a hat, and plays a shell game. Then it cries wolf.

If I’m not ready to get up I can push the panic button.