Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Locker Room Laundry Makes Good

(WASHINGTON) In a surprising announcement, Time Magazine revised its Man of the Year award and selected a sock to receive the Puppet of the Year (P.O.T.Y).

"A lot of people say it's rigged,” said the sock, who goes by the name of Seymour. "Okay, I’m a puppet. So what? In 1989 they named the earth the friggin’ Planet of the Year."

But Seymour believes the anger over his selection might be racially motivated.

"Personally, I think people are upset because I’m white. I admit there are some dress socks out there who could have won. But I paid the price. A lesser sock would give up after spending a year in the wet corner of a locker room."

That locker room is where Seymour decided to turn his life around.

"They say you have to hit bottom before getting up. Living in the locker room was a dark time for me, literally. The lighting in that place was horrible. Anyway, I got addicted to foot powder. I got so desperate to feed my addiction that I even sold one of my eyes to a snowman."

"I felt so guilty after that. I knew things had to change." Seymour hopped the next duffle bag out of the locker room and never looked back.

Time Editor-In-Chief Norman Perlstine says it was a difficult decision. "Al Gore has done a lot to help protect the environment. But he just doesn't have the personality we're looking for to represent such a high-profile award. But Seymour... is quite charming."

"We also considered Mel Gibson because of his contribution in raising awareness of alcohol abuse. And um, free speech. But in the end our panel didn't go with him on the grounds that he went too far with Lethal Weapons three and four. He should have stopped after the second one.

"We need a representative that has a good sense of timing -- like Seymour. He's our puppet."

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Weekly Review 10/28/06

A little late, but...

  • NASA is working on better smoke detectors for spacecrafts. They’re also revising the “meet at the neighbor’s mailbox” exit plan.

  • The cremated remains of Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett were given to his children. Except for a few ashes stuck to the finger of Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers.

  • Headline: Movement seen at North Korea Nuclear Test Site. Yah, a bowel movement.

  • A Viennese man cut off his ring finger and presented it, still holding the wedding band, to his ex-wife after a nasty divorce. He is charged with dangerous harassment and impersonating a shop teacher.

  • Federal agents confiscated a stuffed gull on the wall of a Maine restaurant because the bird is on the endangered species list. Across town, owners of the Wooly Mammoth Diner had no comment.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Weekly Review 10/20/06

  • In Kansas, scientists used ground penetrating radar to uncover a meteorite buried 4 feet beneath a field. Their next field assignment is to locate missing Oakland Raider linemen buried in Denver.

  • An Austrian workman slipped while working on a house and nailed his left testicle to the roof with a nail gun. The event inspired a new HBO series, The Falsettos.

  • Scientists are pursuing the creation of a Harry Potter-like “invisibility cloak.” They’re consulting with John Kerry to see how his works.

  • The Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee suspended a Democratic staff member pending an investigation into whether he leaked a high-level intelligence assessment. Democrats argue on the grounds that there is no high-level intelligence in government.

  • The man posting an Internet threat that "dirty bombs" would detonate this weekend at NFL stadiums is Jake J. Brahm, a Wisconsin grocery store clerk. His orange prison jumpsuit will be made of paper...or plastic.

  • Troops fighting in Afghanistan stumbled across 10-foot marijuana plants that Taliban militants were using as cover. The militants claim they were plant sitting for Willie Nelson while he’s on tour.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Soda Pop for Senator!

I'm tired of politics, but I like soda. Fortunately, I found a candidate I can get behind. Below is the transcript from his new radio commercial.


Soda: My name is Soda Pop and I approved this message.

(James Earl Jones): The Republicans say they love children, but none of them send America’s youth into a frenzy like Soda Pop.

The Democrats believe in a mix of all nationalities, but no mixer is better than Soda.

When you pull the curtain in the voting booth, remember the one that will be there early in the morning. He’s the one with you on your first date, at the football game, in your lap. He’s Soda Pop, and he wants your vote.

His opponent—Chuck Lotmilk—says that Soda keeps everything bottled up. But even when he’s on the rocks, Soda keeps his cool. Need proof? Soda voted for higher taxes and then voted to lower them—even though he was in the can while voting.

Soda Pop is diverse. He’s light enough to calm Don Rumsfeld from killing us all. Or he can provide enough punch to help Al Gore blink.

Many people don’t know what state he represents. Soda Pop represents all of America’s states, specifically the State of Denial and the State of Confusion.

Americans can’t get enough of Soda Pop. His effervescent personality is uniting citizens from Bangor to Portland (Oregon, that is). Some call him Soda, others call him Pop. It doesn’t matter what you call him, as long as you call him Senator in November.

It’s important to make an investment in America. Get out and vote. As Soda says: “No Deposit—No Return.”

(Second Voice): This message paid for by the Soda Pop for Senate Champaign. Mel Gibson, Chairperson.)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Weekly Review 10/16/06

  • In Paris, employees at Euro Disney shot and distributed a "home movie" of several Disney characters in sexual positions. Critics blame Donald Duck because he never wears pants.

  • After the on-field brawl with Florida International on Saturday, University of Miami officials suspended 13 football players from playing at Duke next week. Ashamed by their actions, the suspended players volunteered to watch the game at the residence of the Duke Lacrosse team.

  • London street traders are facing charges after selling perfume made from urine. Customers grew suspicious when they suffered skin irritations and seeing that the perfume is called Love Potion Number One.

  • An Ohio man robbed a bank and immediately handed the money to a guard, hoping to get a prison term that provides the necessities until he is eligible for Social Security. If this plan doesn’t work he’ll meet with a lawyer over a scalding hot cup of McDonald’s coffee.

  • A Delaware grandmother mailing 30 fruitcakes sued the U.S. Postal Service after accusations of being a terrorist from a postal clerk. The judge dismissed the case quickly because he didn’t want the evidence in the courtroom.

  • A post office in the San Fernando Valley was dedicated in the honor of legendary basketball coach John Wooden. There was an awkward moment when an old lady interrupted the ceremony by hurling fruitcakes.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Diner's Guide to Diners

You might be a little nervous about going to a diner. But if you follow suggestions from the experts you too can become a Dynamic Diner.

The Entrance

When you arrive at the diner you may see a note written on a chalk board that tells you to wait for somebody to seat you. If nobody from the friendly staff greets you it's probably because they're hard at work.

However, there are ways to get their attention. The easiest is to stand behind the register. This is something Dynamic Diners refer to as "fiddling with stuff." If you're in a hurry, go ahead and open the register drawer. The ringing noise it makes when you open it is the staff's signal that they have a customer needing attention.

The Menu

There may be several options on the menu. If you're unsure what some of the dishes are you can ask your server. If the server is unavailable, look under the table because the family sitting in your booth before you might have politely left a few samples.

On the road to becomming a Dynamic Diner you may want to remember these basics:

-The Meatloaf Special is "special" for reasons most diners don't need to know.

-The Bottomless Cup of Coffee is an industry term referring to an unlimited amount of coffee. It actually came about from the coffee eroding the bottom of the cup. In an exciting breakthrough, NASA is close to designing a material able to withstand the bite of diner coffee.

- For those 55 and older, diners offer an "Early Bird Special." Remember, the early bird gets the worm.

- If the diner offers a "Soup of the Day," be sure to ask which day they're talking about.

- As a general rule, avoid fresh fish in landlocked states such as Kansas and Nebraska. Some diners offer beer battered fish. If you dine late enough you may see beer battered people. They're easy to identify because they talk extremely loud.

The Environment

- Most diners play country or oldies music. Hank Williams is often played because it's the law. His music fulfills both requirements. Check the laws in your state.

- It is a good idea to use the facilities at home before visiting the diner, but if you think nature might call be sure to plan ahead. Bring a plunger. And some toilet paper.

-IMPORTANT! Secure your salt shaker lid that the youngsters in the booth adjacent to yours loosened while your were busy in the facilities. If you unknowingly play into their joke, a paper straw missle to the head seems to squelch the laughter. And a kick in the shins.

The Exit

Tip well, because some day that could be you serving up the grub to Dynamic Diners in training. To show your appreciation (and your diner savy), upon your exit always proclaim to the staff, "You can kiss my grits!" They like that.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Weekly Review 10/6/06

  • In Germany, a plastic surgeon gave pictures to police of the enlarged breasts of women cheating him out of payments after surgery. Officials are frustrated because the “wanted” posters keep disappearing from the post office.

  • Federal officials began an investigation into a fire that ruined about 4 percent of America's yield of hops, used as flavoring in the brewing of beer. They suspect terrorist mastermind Ibin drinkin Tmuch.

  • A Japanese man recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory, setting what some claim to be a new world record. Sadly, he couldn’t call the Guinness Book of World Records because he forgot the phone number.

  • Iraqis are finding humor in a television comedy called, “Hurry up, He’s Dead.” The show’s popularity grew after producers changed the title from, “Two and a Half Jihadists.”

  • German drugmaker Schering warned consumers not to use hemorrhoid cream on their faces, a method used to reduce puffy eyes. Many supermodels argue that they need the cream because their heads cannot hold the weight of sliced cucumbers.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Oh, the Humanity!

This week I write with shame and humility. I crossed a line—no, THE line—that tempts all men using the Internet. I visited one of those beckoning sites that create an ethical dilemma. On one hand, men have needs. Psychologists say that we are the more visual of the two sexes. On the other hand, those sites appeal to the primal urge in all of us. They exploit those involved and seek to catch us at a vulnerable moment.

Unfortunately, this night I failed to guard my instincts and I caved.

In my defense, it was late. My family slept as I entered my office to write. I innocently used a search engine to explore an unfamiliar topic. As it happens, I lost my focus. I began to wander from one link to another until I reached a page that alerted the internal alarm on my computer.

The content filter (used to keep my sweet children from viewing inappropriate pages) blocked me. I forgot the safeguard even existed. I mentally recalled some—but not all—of the software maker’s keyword list that shielded my innocent family from the evils of cyberspace. Now, the guardian stood tall on my screen requiring a password before allowing me to continue my descent into the pond of sludge.

I sat in silence, each blink of the cursor separated by one second as if it were asking if I wanted to waste precious moments of my life viewing such scum. Quickly, I typed the password before any sense of reason could stop me.

I exhaled deeply and watched the page download a bright orange banner highlighting a word used daily by bottom dwellers of our world: FROGS.

Dare we mention those mischievous frogs? According to my computer, chaos ensues when one associates with the words skin, legs, belly, and tongue.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Weekly Review 9/29/06

  • To remind a forgetful man of his anniversary, a Jeweler is selling a wedding band that heats up 24 hours before the special day. It also comes with a string to tie around the other finger to remind him why his finger is burning.

  • Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says the White House is planning to assassinate him. President Bush denies the claim. To ease tensions, Bush invited him to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

  • John Mark Karr is in a California courtroom facing child porn charges. If convicted he could face several years in prison. If acquitted he plans to run for Congressman Mark Foley’s vacated seat.

  • The European Commission approved a new anti-smoking pill. They concluded that it’s a guaranteed way to quit smoking because it’s impossible to smoke a pill.

  • Reports say that Britney Spears will rap on her new album. Her new rap name is Lil’ Dim.