Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Locker Room Laundry Makes Good

(WASHINGTON) In a surprising announcement, Time Magazine revised its Man of the Year award and selected a sock to receive the Puppet of the Year (P.O.T.Y).

"A lot of people say it's rigged,” said the sock, who goes by the name of Seymour. "Okay, I’m a puppet. So what? In 1989 they named the earth the friggin’ Planet of the Year."

But Seymour believes the anger over his selection might be racially motivated.

"Personally, I think people are upset because I’m white. I admit there are some dress socks out there who could have won. But I paid the price. A lesser sock would give up after spending a year in the wet corner of a locker room."

That locker room is where Seymour decided to turn his life around.

"They say you have to hit bottom before getting up. Living in the locker room was a dark time for me, literally. The lighting in that place was horrible. Anyway, I got addicted to foot powder. I got so desperate to feed my addiction that I even sold one of my eyes to a snowman."

"I felt so guilty after that. I knew things had to change." Seymour hopped the next duffle bag out of the locker room and never looked back.

Time Editor-In-Chief Norman Perlstine says it was a difficult decision. "Al Gore has done a lot to help protect the environment. But he just doesn't have the personality we're looking for to represent such a high-profile award. But Seymour... is quite charming."

"We also considered Mel Gibson because of his contribution in raising awareness of alcohol abuse. And um, free speech. But in the end our panel didn't go with him on the grounds that he went too far with Lethal Weapons three and four. He should have stopped after the second one.

"We need a representative that has a good sense of timing -- like Seymour. He's our puppet."

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