Monday, June 30, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/30)

Shaquille O'Neal is rapping again. He’s reportedly doing it to improve his free throw shooting, which explains why his stage name is 50 Percent.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Stupid Old Pantsuit Girls

I realize Dave and Jay are unbelievably successful telling topical jokes each night, but the rest of the world follows their lead. Therefore, I'm calling for a moratorium on the following subjects and punchlines:

Hillary Clinton: pantsuits

Bill Clinton: he likes girls

John McCain: he's too old

George W. Bush: he's stupid (although it's contextual; he's stupid one minute, but the next he's brilliant enough to fake 9/11 and scam the entire world into a war)

Those punchlines are as old as John McCain. Bill Clinton can't even get any more dates using them. Bush doesn't understand them, and they haven't changed since the last time Hillary wore a dress.

And speaking of Hillary, is it ironic that Barack Obama is asking people to bail her out of her campaign debt?

Maybe she should get a part-time job like most Americans would have to do. But I'm sure they know that being champions of the common people.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/27)

There’s a new museum in Maine featuring gas station artifacts. It reminds visitors of the old days -- the pumps, the signs, the clean bathrooms...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/26)

There's a fast-food restaurant in Beirut, Lebanon, with a terrorism theme. It doesn’t matter where you sit; the whole place is the smoking section.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/25)

As a Fathers Day gift to her dad, John McCain's daughter became a Republican. Conservatives are hoping her dad does the same.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/19)

Barack Obama’s campaign has a web site to squelch rumors. The media is helping too. Now we know Obama isn’t Muslim and that he was born in a manger.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/18)

A fire severely damaged the historic Texas Governor’s Mansion. It’s the second Texas landmark to go up in flames this year. The other is Roger Clemens.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/17)

The International Astronomical Union renamed Pluto, since the former planet lost its significance in the solar system. Now they call it Hillary.

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/16)

With the high price of metal people are stealing empty beer kegs and cashing in. That explains all the college students reporting stolen furniture...

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day

Here's to the dads. Thanks for teaching us how to be men...

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/12)

A salmonella scare has forced a nationwide tomato recall. A tainted tomato can make you sick; that’s why McDonald’s isn’t putting them on those 1,000-calorie hamburgers.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/11)

At a conference in Mecca, Saudi King Abdullah called on his people to end Islamic extremism. Anybody who doesn’t will be tortured.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/9)

The mastermind of the 9/11 attacks said he wants a death sentence. So the judge gave him a Red Sox shirt and sent him to the Bronx.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Chinese Repossess Space Station Toilet

BEIJING -- Days after flight engineer Oleg Kononenko replaced the pump on the malfunctioning toilet at the International Space Station, collection agents from the Chinese government took it all away.

According to a spokesman for the Chinese, the decision to take the only toilet in space wasn’t easy. Through a translator he released a statement.

“We don’t like to re-po toilets, but Americans owe us a lot of money; we have to start collecting. NASA is avoiding us. So we call the astronauts each day since they bought the toilet. They never called back. We even stopped by the Space Station and rang the doorbell. They pretend they weren’t home but we could see them peeking through the curtains.”

NASA is taking swift action. They plan to bid on the space toilet when the Chinese auction it on eBay.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/5)

Disneyland closed their water ride, "It's a Small World," because overweight children made the boats scrape the bottom. Apparently it’s not a small world after all.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/4)

There was a big fire at Universal Studios in California that destroyed a video vault. Universal hasn’t seen anything burn this fast since Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Least You Should Know (6/3)

The Mars Lander cruised at 12,000 mph but landed gently with the aid of friction and parachutes. The idea was designed by a driver’s ed. teacher.