Monday, November 27, 2006

Agency Discovers Sleeper Cells

(Miami) – A private detective agency announced the discovery of sleeper cells in several American venues.

Sleeper cells are a larger problem than once thought, according to Marvin Strutt, owner of Marvelous Marv's Detective Agency.

The investigation began when a client simply known as "The Boss" hired Strutt to observe events at his office when he couldn't be there all the time. "It seemed like an isolated case in an isolated office, but as we followed these people they connected with other 'sleepers'-that's what we call them in the business."

"I found sleepers everywhere. Employees with pillows in their offices, cars with reclining seats; some even sleep in airports. You name it, these people try to sleep in it," Strutt said from his parent's sofa in a Florida retirement village.

"Sleepers are hard to track, but at the same time they're everywhere. They live in cities and rural areas, all the time living seemingly ordinary lives. They go to work, have families, and eat Spam like every other American."

Even more disturbing to Strutt is the recruitment of children into the cells. "I tracked one guy for several weeks and every night, like clockwork, he made his daughter go to bed at nine o'clock. It's really heartbreaking."

Strutt wanted more time to make a complete investigation, but calendar restrictions forced him to take his findings public. "With Thanksgiving coming up, we knew we had to expose these people because of that one chemical in turkey that makes people tired. Thanksgiving is like a holiday for these sickos."

"In the end, we felt like Joe Q. Public should know who is living, or shall I say sleeping with him."

After the nineteen month nationwide investigation Strutt is exhausted, but refuses to put Americans at risk of the sleeper cells.

"We'll start another investigation soon. We've heard some rumors about what they're forcing kids in kindergarten to do after they eat their graham crackers."

Friday, November 17, 2006

Weekly Review 11/17/06

  • Kobe Bryant is being sued by a man who claims that Bryant deliberately elbowed him when diving for a loose ball in the stands. Bryant doesn’t recall the incident but still bought the man a diamond ring.

  • The Houston Dynamo won the MLS Cup, stunning Americans that there is Major League Soccer in America.

  • A deer whose head was stuck in a plastic Halloween jack-o’-lantern for nearly a week is back to normal. It lost 10 pounds, giving parents of obese children an idea on how to use the candy bucket next Halloween.

  • A Wisconsin man who changed his name to Andrew Jackson Griffith prior to an unsuccessful run for sheriff is being sued by the real Andy Griffith for trademark violations. The defendant had no comment and referred the matter to his attorney, Ben Matlock.

  • The fan who instigated the Pacers-Pistons brawl in 2004 is reportedly banned for life from Detroit Pistons home games. He is, however, a season ticket holder for the Jerry Springer Show.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Get a Whiff of This

My son came home yesterday after being roughed up by a bully. Pushed him down and punched him in the eye.

Sometimes a father just reacts without realizing the child is paying attention. “He pushed you down? He punched you? That kid needs to have his clock cleaned—and good. He better hope I don’t see him alone because I’ll knock him into next Tuesday!…Um, you know, in a nice, Christian kind of way.”

As we’re told, “boys will be boys,” and “that’s what boys do.” I think it would be easier if our kids were skunks. Skunks are scary animals. Nobody wants to see them raise that tail. If a child could be a skunk, he would just raise his leg to threaten the goon that bullies him. “Hey shrimp, give me your money or else I’ll…Oh, hey, man, you know I was just joking, right?”

It’s a bonus that as a child-skunk he is actually peeing on the bully when he does spray. Because really, skunks will be skunks and that’s what skunks do…

Monday, November 13, 2006

Mayberry 9-1-1

I took a little break from the blogosphere. It took about a week to get my jaw off the ground after the elections. While a few Republicans had scandals, immorality, and spending issues, I think many Americans will wake up one morning and realize they just put Barney Fife in charge of national security. When Iran has a nuke pointed at us he’ll be looking for his bullet, and blaming Bush for hiding it. The question is, will it be too late for Sheriff Taylor to save him?

Don’t get me wrong, I think most Dems want what’s best for America. No, really, I do. I just don’t think many understand the severity of what is happening in the Middle East. Iraq is a problem. However, it’s a piece of a larger problem. Nancy P. and the Fancy Pants Band give no indication that they understand that.

We all want our troops home. We all want peace. But a quick drawdown of the troops now opens the door for bigger problems.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Democrats Cheated!

Okay, maybe not. I'm actually happy that there is a shift in power. Republicans can understand the importance of paying attention to their conservative base, and Dems will get their chance to put their ideas into place instead of playing Monday morning quarterback.

I'm excited about some of the younger Democrats that ran on a conservative platform. Who will be the leaders? I'm most concerned about the Nancy Pelosi/Ted Kennedy nuts that are still around.

The issues the new Dem majority must remember:

The War On Terror
Obviously we have not suffered an attack since 9/11. Some libs have actually said, "Well, we weren't attacked before 9/11." That's funny, in a sad, ignorant way. They forget the Trade Center attack in 1993, and the 2000 attack on the U.S.S. Cole that killed 17 sailors. In 1983 Iran bombed the marine barracks in Beirut, killing 241 servicemen. All of those events were tackled with sanctions. Osama called the U.S. a "paper tiger" because he thought we were weak. If I were a fly on his cave wall I think at this point he might retract that comment.

The W.O.T. doesn't begin and end with Iraq, but if we lose in Iraq the terrorists will own the second largest oil supply in the world (so, yes, Michael Moore, it is about oil). If terrorists have unlimited money, we might as well size up our praying mats. The Patriot Act works, and I've yet to hear of an American whose rights have really been stolen. To that end, it really freaked me out to hear Harry Reid exclaim, "We defeated the Patriot Act!"

Surprisingly, few politicians make the connection to illegals and terrorism. Open borders are pretty inviting to those wanting to do us harm. Lawful immigration is what makes America great. Breaking the law weakens us. Congress has to work to secure the borders and stop worrying about what Mexico might think.

The Economy
If the W.O.T. fails, nothing else really matters. But I kind of like keeping the money that I earn. I get to decide what charity gets my money. Roughly 65 percent of the federal budget finances government handouts. Sure, we need to take care of those who can't take care of themselves. But there are too many taking us all for a ride because the Chuck Schumer's of the world convince them that they're victims and can't help themselves.

God knows better because He gave us all the ability to make decisions to make our lives better or worse. But then we ALL have to take responsibility for our lives.

Nowhere in the Constitution or the Bible (can I write those two words in the same sentence?) have I read that life is supposed to be fair. All the gubmint owes us is opportunity. In fact, most people tested by fire will say that they are stronger and more confident after pulling themselves out of a mess. So why don't social workers get commissions when they help somebody get off welfare? Perhaps that's a topic for a different day.

Tax cuts have worked. I don't know that anybody can argue with that. The idea that only the rich should be taxed is ridiculous. The top 5 percent already pay the majority of the taxes. Why should the rich be punished for doing well?

I'm still trying to see the Dems take on Social Security. Simple math shows that it's a failing system. It is the ultimate Ponzi Scheme, which the F.T.C. ruled illegal. Bush's idea is that we get to decide whether we contribute or not. If I invest it and lose it all, that's my fault. If I want to participate in the government pyramid, then I'll get my .5 percent return and it's there for my retirement. Somehow, that plan got translated into "Bush is going to steal your retirement!" Social Security is a communist idea, which I learned in history class is not necessarily a sound philosophy.

Big Oil wouldn't be so greedy if we had access to our own resources. Let's drill in the desolate areas of Alaska and stick out our tongues at Hugo Chavez.

A lot of hot air gets blown on this. Namely, let's give a load of money for college students. I work at a college and really wish people would talk about the obscene profits universities are making with the same passion they give Big Oil. It's no secret that liberals dominate the landscape at our public universities. It's unlikely they'll turn down a raise either. Anybody in higher education will notice that colleges don't set their tuition (generally increasing about twenty percent EACH YEAR) until the feds announce the maximum Pell a student can receive. The cycle will continue until legislation freezes, or at least slows tuition hikes.

I think most politicians ultimately want the best for us. Some are just more concerned about style over substance. I think the above is the minimum needed to get us through the next few years.

Hmmm. Not a funny article on a blog that has the word "funny" in the title. We'll get back to the immature antics soon.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Weekly Review 11/4/06

  • A University of Texas study indicates that the new NBA synthetic basketball bounces differently. The Atlanta Hawks also claim it won’t go in the basket.

  • Japanese researchers found a dolphin with partial legs. It's expected to start Sunday against the Bears.

  • A new study shows that a male birth control pill might be possible. It is most effective if taken while watching “The View.”

  • Headline: Amish to Build New School in Pa. It’s expected to be completed by the time you finish reading this sentence.