Friday, May 30, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/30)

A court ruled that paper currency discriminates against blind people. You know the difference between a $1 bill and a $50 bill? The fifty doesn’t smell like church.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/29)

NASA’s Mars Lander arrived on the Red Planet after a 10-month, 422-million mile trip. The first thing it did was look for a bathroom.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/28)

A website is offering advertising opportunities for Lindsay Lohan’s 22nd birthday. So far the only sponsor is a guy who sells fur coats out of his trunk.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/27)

Gas prices are causing problems on old-fashioned gas pumps because the spinning dials stop at $3.99. Maybe Hillary Clinton should fix them; the pumps would never stop rolling...

Friday, May 23, 2008

Milk Executives Defend Profits

WASHINGTON -- Executives from big milk companies were called to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee to explain their swelling profits as milk prices hit a record average of $3.79 a gallon.

“What we have at work here is a fundamental system of supply and demand,” said Jed Simon, president of Milkinyoo Dairy.

“Memorial Day weekend is coming up; more people are going to be eating ice cream and fudge cicles. It’s the summer dairy season.”

Lawmakers appeared leery and sometimes hostile to executives' testimony. “To me it was just a litany of complaints that you're all just hapless victims of a system," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein, California Democrat.

But Red Hofmeister, executive vice president of CrazyCowz, Inc., said Congress is to blame. “We’ve been unable to produce more milk because environmentalists won’t let our cows pass gas. Our girls get awfully uncomfortable.”

“Besides that, our cows are tired, they’re old. The only way to produce more milk is to explore other areas to build more dairies. Like Alaska… and the Outer Continental Shelf off the U.S. coast.”

“If we’re not allowed to do that, Americans gotta break the addiction to dairy.”

The Least You Should Know (5/23)

It's been proven that euthanized filly Eight Belles was not on steroids. Not once did she date a female teenage country singer.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/22)

In Texas, a substitute teacher showed up to class drunk. The other teachers are appalled that a sub has a key to the faculty lounge.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/21)

In July, Comedy Central is bringing back the 70’s variety program, “The Gong Show.” They’ll have a new gong this time; movie directors wore out the original one every time a Chinese man entered the room.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/20)

HBO’s NFL training camp show “Hard Knocks” will follow the Dallas Cowboys again this year. The Cincinnati Bengals training camp will also be on HBO -- on “Oz

Friday, May 16, 2008

No Country for Grown Men

As I was looking for the Spurs/Hornets game last night I came across a show on ESPN 2 called Madden Nation. Apparently I'm not paying attention because a whole nation has been created. These people are intense.

I've since researched this Madden Nation and discovered it's a country of 10 million people. Naturally, Brett Favre is the president.

After about 3 minutes of watching this program it hit me that I was watching a show about people playing a video game. How lazy have we become? We don't even have the energy to actually play the video game; we watch other people do it.

I couldn't believe people would want to spend a beautiful spring evening in front of the TV watching other people play a game narrated by the Ace Hardware spokesman.

I was disgusted, so I changed my mind. I didn't watch NBA basketball last night.

I enjoyed nature, by watching a fishing show on the Outdoor Network.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/15)

A Minnesota woman bit a pit bull on the nose to stop it from attacking her Labrador retriever. Even though it was a pit bull, she said it tasted like Shih Tzu.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/14)

Seized tapes prove the New England Patriots stole offensive signals from the Miami Dolphins. That was the game the Patriots had 27 turnovers.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/13)

Roger Clemens' mistress Mindy McCready claimed she was 17 when they met, not 15. What difference does two years make? About 10 to 15 according to Massachusetts law.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/12)

A popular gift this Mother’s Day was the Hillary Clinton watch. It’s not always accurate, but it runs a lot longer than it should.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

I have nothing but praise for moms. The ones who let us lick the beaters when they make a cake, and especially the ones who turn off the mixer first.

Thank you moms for showing us guys -- young and old -- what giving, compassion, and kindness is.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/9)

Campbell's Soup Company is planning a new line of soups aimed at senior citizens. The most popular is expected to be the alphabet soup with large letters.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Clinton Wants Motel Room Tax Holiday

(WASHINGTON ) Trying to reach moderate voters, New York Senator Hillary Clinton is adding to her controversial proposed holiday on gas taxes. Now she’s calling for a holiday on motel room taxes.

The aim of the proposal is to gain the confidence of middle-class Americans who want to vacation this summer and stay in motels. But winning votes isn’t the only reason she supports the room tax holiday.

The Clintons' tax records reveal that Bill still visits a lot of motels.

Political pundits acknowledge that even though the former President has slowed down, he still has game.

“I just loaned my campaign 6.4 million dollars," Mrs. Clinton said. "Last year my husband paid nearly two million in room taxes. That’s money my family really could have used in a recession…started by George Bush.”

A source for the Clinton campaign said that a holiday on the 11 percent room tax would be made up in other places, specifically by taxing the motels and their windfall profits.

“It’s time for this crooked administration to stop lining the pockets of their wealthy cronies – like Tom Bodet.”

The Least You Should Know (5/8)

The Center for Disease Control says measles may be making a comeback. It’s the most-feared comeback since The New Kids on the Block.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/7)

Paris Hilton is banned from the Moscow Hyatt Hotel for allegedly writing her name on the wall in her room. Even worse, she misspelled it.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/6)

In the wake of her controversial pictures, Disney is ordering Miley Cyrus to stay out of the spotlight. So now she co-hosts the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric.

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/5)

Since June of last year, a man from England says he ate 1,500 cans of beans and lost 140 pounds. Plus 13 friends and 7 jobs.

Friday, May 02, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/2)

Disneyland creators are thinking about building a theme park in Iraq. Symbolically, the park will have a big entrance and no exit.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

The Least You Should Know (5/1)

Engineers at Nissan have developed an apparatus that allows engineers to experience what it feels like to be an elderly driver. It's called a Lincoln Town Car.