Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/29)

This Halloween parents are making the Balloon Boy costume a big hit. The kids wearing it Saturday night will spend 3 hours hiding in the attic.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/28)

Next month President Obama will host leaders of the 564 American Indian tribes. His critics say it’s just a cover for him to smoke in public.

During the meeting he'll be awarded the Nobel Peace Pipe.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/27)

The snoring of a woman in England has been measured at nearly 112 decibels. Her husband said that’s the last time she gets to watch a St. Louis Rams game.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/26)

The White House criticized Fox News and pledged to handle the network like any other opponent. They’ll apologize and then blame Bush.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/22)

President Obama said he’ll give the money he won from the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. He’s buying a Chrysler.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/20)

Despite the economy, Major League Baseball drew over 73 million fans this season. Apparently the only place with better attendance is the room above the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Balloon Boy Responder Increases Shovel Sales

Fort Collins, CO – The emergency responder who used a shovel to beat up a 6-year-old’s grounded balloon is being credited for rising shovel sales.

Millions across America watched dramatic live video of Falcon Heene’s homemade flying saucer balloon float down in a field. Before checking for the boy, an unknown official quickly approached the aircraft and started beating it with a shovel.

America is apparently showing frustration at being punked by taking its own shovel beating approach. “I was mad at first because I thought the boy would get hurt by the shovel. But when he wasn’t in there I was like, ‘Kill the balloon!’” said daycare provider Cindy Morris.

IT worker Jim Billings was so upset he wanted to destroy any balloon he saw. “I wasted an afternoon watching that stupid balloon. So I did what I could. I bought four new shovels and went to a kid’s birthday party.”

In addition, the drama is quickly becoming a positive story for the economy. The White House recently announced several new shovel-ready jobs.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/15)

A new book claims that the frozen head of Ted Williams was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. They made it watch the Royals take batting practice.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/14)

Flovor Flav is doing a new reality show where he goes back to school to get his diploma. The show is called, “Class of 2030.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/12)

A growing number of people are concerned about President Obama’s safety. He never should have suggested that kids go to school all year.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Obama Wins Cy Young Because of All-Star Game Pitch

NEW YORK - Barack Obama won the Cy Young Award on Friday because of his opening pitch at the 2009 All Star Game in St. Louis. Not only is he the first U.S. president to win the award, he’s the first person to win the award in both the American and National Leagues.

The award is chosen by the Baseball Writers Association of America. Despite criticism by some that the president hasn’t proven himself in the big leagues, writer Paul Lee said there’s a reason for the skepticism. “Those people are just racist. No question he earned it. His pitch wasn’t a strike, but he was wearing those high-waist jeans. He was really trying. I’d like to see you pitch a ball wearing big pants. I bet Bush couldn’t.”

Obama said he felt humbled and unworthy of being counted in the company of the "transformative figures" of history who have achieved greatness.

"I do not view this as recognition of my own accomplishments but rather an affirmation of America," he said in the White House Rose Garden. "I accept this award with great humbleness on behalf of the great Americans who have gone before me – Whitey Ford, Greg Maddox, Oprah…”

The President's prize is worth $1.4 million, or one Olympic bid in Denmark.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/8)

The White House said it’s close to selecting a location for Guantanamo Bay detainees. It’ll have to be a place that can handle destructive personalities, so it looks like they’ll be housed at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/7)

California set energy efficiency standards for big-screen televisions. They’re strict; people haven’t had such remorse for owning a TV since the remake of Knight Rider.

Monday, October 05, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/5)

A study finds that 3 out of 4 NFL players go broke within two years of retirement. It appears that Brett Favre will never have that problem.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

The Least You Should Know (10/1)

Testimony in the John “Junior” Gotti trial claims that Gotti was in the mob, then out, then back in. He’s the Brett Favre of organized crime.