Week In Review

• British scientists report that roasted vegetables are actually as acidic as fizzy drinks. What’s worse, they’re more painful when you burp them through your nose.
  
  
• Also in Britain, a woman is pregnant at the age of 63. After the baby is born she can be a stay at nursing home mom.
  
  
• CBS launched a web site that offers some of its existing TV shows. For protection, my anti-virus software won’t let me watch the Young and the Restless.
  
  
• Despite the controversy surrounding the porous Mexican border, Americans are grateful for Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican food is providing the cheapest gas they’ve found in months.
  
  
• Korean scientists have developed a female android. They named it eveR-1, and it’s just the third human-like android in the world. The robots preceding eveR-1 were Japan’s ACTROID, and the United States’ ALGORE.

News Today

• Scientists at Cornell University report that honeybees are better at decision-making than humans. The study took ten years, thus confirming their research.
  
  
• A new survey indicates that many young Americans can’t find Louisiana on a map. They shouldn’t feel bad. Neither can FEMA.
  
  
• Today The Minuteman Project civilian border patrol group kicked off a 12-city tour. Ironically, the tour T-shirts are made in Mexico.

Gangsta Trash

I got reprimanded by the Sanitation Department. I put a piece of wood out with the trash and they made an example of me. They hung a florescent pink tag on my front door with a blistering note. They put a check mark in the little box that said my wood was construction material and I have to dispose of it myself. I thought I did. I took it down the driveway and set it on the curb.

They took tree branches a couple of weeks ago. I think those are made of wood. But now it’s like they’re some kind of sanitation mafia, bullying us simple people who just want to discard our wood. They ride around on their big trucks, hanging on with one hand. Everybody knows it’s illegal to ride in the back of a truck but the cops won’t touch them.

When these thugs are ready to make a pickup—or “hit” as I bet they call it—they just stop in the middle of the street (yet another violation a regular citizen would be cited for). Cars behind them have to go around or come to a stop. And the drivers never honk or yell at the mafia. They wait. They wait because nobody wants to become Hester Prynne, bearing the humility of that pink sanitation scarlett letter. But as much as we try to avoid another driveby we know it’s inevitable. These guys are untouchable.

The Sleeping Giant

I agree with the late Mitch Hedburg: I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Anti-war people protested over the weekend. Pro-illegal immigrant people are protesting today. I’m tired of protests. I guess you could say I’m pro-anti-protest. Or I'm anti-pro-protest. Nonetheless, I’m organizing a protest against the protests. That’s right, a Protest protest.

But you have to watch closely. We won’t carry signs. We won’t leave the house. In fact, we won’t go anywhere. The rally cries of those angry people on TV will be drowned by our silence. Oh sure, those other protests have thousands in the streets. But our Protest protest already has millions nationwide. They choose not to engage, and by default that means they’re a part of the Protest protest. But that’s the American way. Sometimes a guy has to take a stand…and then sit down.

Not On the Front Page

• Australian researchers report that radiation from cell phones affects the way the brain works. Apparently the radiation makes people drive their cars and yell in public places.
  
  
• A new trashy video game is set to launch this summer in which cartoon people meet, flirt and have sex with other player characters. Fortunately, the game isn’t called Donkey Kong.
  
  
• A Cornell University horticulturist suggests that you can stunt the growth of fast growing house plants by giving them hard liquor. His research was made public by his children, Fern, Ivy, and Stump.

Do They Really Want That?

I’m conservative, but I’m not a Bush Drone (sounds like a good name for a sleeping pill—but it only works if you sleep on your right side). With Neil Young’s new song Let’s Impeach the President gaining attention, the anti-Bush people are speaking up again.

I wonder if they’ve thought this through. If Dub is impeached, Dick Cheney becomes the Head Fred. Many say Dick is the brains behind the duo to begin with. If they’re unhappy with the advice he’s given Bush to this point, a Cheney presidency would put them over the edge faster than you can say Harry Whittington.

Water Cooler News

• Scientists have discovered a mutant gene that triggers the body to form a second skeleton. Many Americans are excited because some politicians will have the chance to grow a spine.
  
  
• Former Enron Chairman and Chief Executive Kenneth Lay testified at his criminal trial on Tuesday saying that his corporation was the victim of a “witch hunt.” Prosecutors agreed, saying, “He’s right. We were hunting to find which set of books was authentic.”
  
  
• Childbirth training for medical students is being enhanced by life-sized computer controlled mannequins. The pregnant robots can be programmed to simulate various delivery scenarios from severe complications to quick, relatively easy births. Researchers have named the robot Katie Holmes.