Wednesday, January 17, 2018

The Blind Spot


Our three children range in age from four to 18. I'm sure you can imagine the smiles people my age have when I share that in one weekend two years ago we tackled a promposal, a science fair, and potty training. There are times, however, when smiles turn to an inquisitive look that prepare me for the familiar question, "Oh, was your youngest an accident?"

An accident, to me, conjures up images of: 1). injury, despair, and panic; 2). or, you wet your pants (remember potty training?).


By those definitions I'm not sure how an accident squares with conception. You never hear somebody say, "After chemistry lab last semester I backed my car into somebody in the parking lot. It was just an accident, but now she's pregnant."
To that end, here are some standard replies to the "accident" question:
  •  "Why? What have you heard?"
  • "No, he wasn't an accident. I don't mean to brag, but I know how people are made."
  • "No, he wasn't an accident My wife and I both passed high school biology."
  • "Yes he was. But my wife is going to make an honest man out of me and we're getting married."
  • "Yes, he was planned. Want to see the blueprints?" 
  • "I certainly hope he wasn't an accident. I thought I did everything right."


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Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Jesus Joins Twitter, Only Has 12 Followers

As I sat at 2:26 a.m. waiting for people to count ballots on the east coast, my mind wandered. Maybe it was sleep deprivation, but I realized how tired I am of the media, in their arrogance and ignorance, and how crooked they are. Then I wondered how today's media might cover stories from the Bible to shape a political message. More to come, but here are a few:

  •  Illnesses blamed on Messiah for providing gluten-filled bread
  • Flood lasting 40 days, 40 nights caused by global warming
  • God creates woman; doesn’t provide equal access to man’s bathroom
  • Creator of the universe punishes man, woman in garden for being vegetarian
  • Coat of many colors likely made from Pride flag
  • Neglected juvenile uses slingshot to stone overweight man


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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Update from Third Grade


 "Daddy, I have two things to tell you about today. First, Cameron Elling won the spelling bee. Second, two kindergartners threw up."

This has been your update from third grade.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

For Better or Hearse

Charles Manson is getting married.

We shouldn't judge. In America a person has the right to marry somebody who's crazy. So don't criticize Charles Manson.

There's quite an age difference -- he's 80 years old and his bride is 26. He's old enough to be her grandfather's killer. That means when he's 100, she'll be dead for 20 years.

That had to be an awkward conversation when she told her dad. "Dad, I met the man I want to marry."

"I didn't know you were seeing anybody!"

"Yeah I see him every Tuesday."

"Great! What does he do?"

"Time."

 At least they won't argue over which in-laws they'll spend the holidays with.

 

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Friday, June 13, 2014

The Least You Should Know (6/13)

A survey finds that only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map. In fairness, the other 5 were looking at Vladimir Putin's map.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Infomercial pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sent to prison for repeatedly defrauding customers. He got 10 years; at first the judge only sentenced him to 8, and then shouted, “But wait – there’s more!”

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Least You Should Know (5/9)

A South Carolina man was arrested for trying to pay his lunch tab with a trillion-dollar bill. And yet he still didn’t have enough money because he was eating in an airport.

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