Bush Vows Postage Independence

Listening to complaints about the recent increase in stamps, President Bush spoke from the Oval Office and vowed to break America’s dependence on postage.

“We have a serious problem. America is addicted to postage, which is often used in unstable parts of the world. I’m not exempt, I admit. I use postage every time I mail a letter.”

With shrinking approval numbers the President is looking to strengthen support on domestic issues, citing the need to fix a system that has been broken for a long time.

“The U.S. Postal Service was a good idea at the time. But now we have other measures to relay messages—email, phones, gossip.”

Bush set a goal for the United States to be completely independent of any postage by the year 2025. A tall order, he admits, but feels confident that all old people who don’t use technology will be dead by then.

Though many are excited about the President’s vision, Congressional Democrats remain skeptical.

An irritated John Kerry stopped on his way to the mailbox and rhetorically asked, “How many more envelopes have to go to a dead letter office, Mr. President? We must be aggressive and end the American dependency on postage by the end of the week.”