Weekly Review for 5/19/06

• A campground in Utah is closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks. It’s believed the rodents contracted the disease after playing with some filthy children.
  
  
• To make sure her wishes are clear, an 80-year-old Iowa woman had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest. Attorneys suggest that the woman put her wishes on paper because a judge would say the current document is a bust.
  
  
• A California home is on the market for $75 million. That's not bad considering it’s a double-wide.
  
  
• At the Gerber Foods factory in England, gallons of Sunny D concentrate leaked into a nearby river and killed dozens of fish. Because the spill was an environmental hazard, Al Gore is making a movie based on the events. It’s called “An Inconvenient Juice.”
  
  
• Northwest Airlines is negotiating with its ground crew in an attempt to avoid a strike. Talks intensified when baggage handlers threatened to find everybody’s luggage if their demands were not met.
  
  
• Sunday, a Florida woman was shot through the windshield of the car she was riding in. Miraculously, she was protected by her seatbelt and a thick bra strap. But advocates for abstinence say it’s no miracle, as those two items have been protecting women for years.

I Hate to Bring it Up But...

There are some unwritten child laws that require discussion. Kids won’t talk about them but I discovered these two laws on my own:

1. The only permissible time for children to vomit is between 1 and 4 in the morning. There is something about a parent’s slumber that makes a child nauseous.
2. If rule number one cannot be followed, they must hurl in public places.
   

The first rule is one of those things that people forget to mention when encouraging you to have children. During marriage preparation this insight should be standard instruction for the pastor or priest. “And tell me, how do you react to waking from a deep slumber to the sound of a goat being tortured and discovering last night’s ravioli plastered to the bathroom door…and wall…and carpet leading from the bedroom?”

Rule number two has more flexibility because a kid can find large groups of people anywhere. Weddings, graduations, and classrooms are common settings. Then there is the grocery store. Since becoming a parent I really know what’s going on when I hear a voice echo, “Ted, cleanup on aisle four.”

Ay Carumba!

• Anybody notice how ironic it is that the fastest growing U.S. cable channel is the (Mexican President Vicente) Fox News Channel?
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation tonight about immigration. His speech can be viewed on the major U.S. networks, Telemundo and Univision.
  
  
• The National Guard troops deployed to the border will not carry out law enforcement, but instead will lend support to the border patrol. That support comes in helping border patrol agents hold a large red banner and yelling “Ole!”
  
  
• Critics suggest that Guard members will be bored and have to play games to pass the time: “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Paco right over!”
  
  
• The last major domestic task for Guard members was assisting in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. So what’s the difference between a hurricane and the wave of aliens entering the U.S? One floods the streets and leaves many without jobs and schools. The other is a hurricane.

Weekly Review for 5/14/06

• The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers rejected a proposal to create a “.xxx” domain for porn sites. They did, however, agree to the “.$$$” domain.
  
  
• A new Harris poll indicates that President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to 29 percent. Liberals are excited at the news because it greatly reduces his odds of being reelected.
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation on immigration Monday night. That is, if the White House can find a translator.
  
  
• Paris Hilton released a new video game that can be played on cell phones. Critics complain that the game only works when a phone is set to vibrate.
  
  
• Thursday the F.D.A. approved a new anti-smoking pill. After you lose the urge to smoke you take the anti-smoldering pill.

A Different Animal

I come from a family that has hunting in its DNA. But I don’t like to hunt. Fortunately, my dad and brothers don’t hunt black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking a life as much as the next guy. And I hunted while growing up. I love the outdoors and I support the Second Ammendment.

But it’s no accident I was born during the evolution of the microwave. I think God put me on earth at this time for a reason. He knew I would starve if I had to kill my own food. I would have been a lousy caveman because I’m not good with clubs. Well, not counting the time I conquered a beastly sparrow on the 13th hole. Sheldon Brock can talk on the subject of my spear throwing ability. The scar on his shoulder shows how bad I missed the target with a lawn dart in the third grade.

But I’ll hunt again because my son loves it. I just have to master the craft of bringing down a bull elk with stinging sarcasm.

Strange News Day

• Iran announced it will ban athletes with an effeminate look. Much like the WNBA.
  
  
• Kara Monaco, a former Disney dancer who portrayed Cinderella, is the new Playboy Playmate of the Year. I guess Hugh Hefner can now be called Pimp Charming.
  
  
• A woman from Maine is accused of helping her daughter bake cookies laced with Ex-Lax for her teacher at school. Although the woman pleaded not guilty, authorities say the evidence is piled high.
  
  
• ...and David Blaine will attempt to eat those cookies.

A Preposition You Can't Refuse

I love capitalism. Driving down the street in the last week I’ve seen signs advertising a Jewelry Sale, a Carpet Sale, and a Clearance Sale. My neighbor just threw his hat in the ring. He’s having a For Sale. Even put a sign in his front yard.

I’m not sure why people want to sell their fors. It’s an important preposition; for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer. And why is for the only preposition people don’t want? You never hear anybody disussing the Over Sale or the But Sale. People try to peddle fors from their cars or boats or motorcycles. Some try to negotiate: "For Sale: Make Offer". I avoid these sales. After all, what can you offer for a for? One student on our campus created a flyer telling me where I could preview his offer: “For Sale By Owner.” I looked all around him and didn’t see his for.

It seems everybody having a home-based For Sale eventually moves. They must be a bear to load on the U-Haul. I’ll have to ask my neighbor before the weekend. Saturday he'll be busy with a Garage Sale.