The Least You Should Know (7/18)

World international and domestic airports handled a record 4.4 billion passengers in 2006.

Unfortunately, they’re still at the baggage carousel.

Keep the Change

Conservative taxpayer groups say today marks the day this year when the average American worker will have earned enough to pay for his share of government taxes.

It’s called “cost of government day,” or as liberals call it, ”Christmas.”

The Earth Hating Hybrid

By now you heard that Al Gore's son was arrested for going 100 mph in his Toyota Prius. Oh, in his car the officer found marijuana, Valium, Xanax and Vicodin, with no prescription.

Lay off him; he's not eating meat but instead promoting the consumption of green, leafy vegetables. Perhaps a promotion for the weekend concerts?

I'm wondering about the hybrid car. Now I care about the earth; perhaps not so much that I fly around the world spewing hundreds of thousands of gallons of jet fuel into the atmosphere to tell people the earth is dying, but I do care.

I've been lectured about my gas-drinking SUV. Accordingly, what makes me more of an earth hater is how inefficient the SUV gets for every mile per hour I drive over 55.

So here's Al Gore III, driving a hybrid that does at least 100 mph. Why does Toyota make a hybrid that goes that fast? Shouldn't it only go as high as 75 mph since that's the highest speed limit in the country (not counting my son's school zone)?

As I've been told, it's awfully inefficient to drive a car that fast.

Sorry, Not Everybody Can be Iran

A new study shows that the world trusts the U.S. less than it used to. Well, I trust Taco Bell less than I used to; but I still go there.

Call me crazy but I think you judge a country's popularity by the number of people entering and exiting. Have the illegals waltzing across the border seen this pole? Somebody should tell them that we're not that great. While we're at it, let's alert the bathtub occupants floating in from Cuba.

What about the countries needing aid when a natural disaster hits? Those shady Americans are the first on the scene with their food and money. Creeps.

Okay, so maybe we dropped the ball with Paris Hilton. No country is perfect.

Now I Get It

On Father’s Day I’m reflecting about some lessons my dad taught me.

My dad taught me to be thrifty. He bought shrink-to-fit jeans that fit him—before they were washed. He didn’t think twice about wearing them even though they shrunk an inch in the waist and two in length. He paid good money for them and couldn’t return them. He didn’t care what other people thought, and was better prepared than the rest of us when the basement flooded.

He taught me about patience. When I was nine I called him at work confessing that I broke the window in the storm door with a tennis ball. He listened to me explain how I was playing “Bob Horner,” named after the Atlanta Braves third baseman (TBS was the only cable channel we had). When Bob and I got together, I would throw the ball off the wall in the carport, make a diving stop with my baseball glove, jump to my feet and throw the guy out at first.

Well, except once when the ball slipped. When I finished Dad was quiet for about 8 million seconds and asked, “Well…did you get him out?”

He taught me how to respect women. In second grade when Belinda Begay was picking on me he didn’t tell me to punch her to protect myself. Oh sure, she outweigh me by 85 pounds but I was pretty quick when my life depended on it. Dad was an all-state football player so he taught me the stiff-arm, a technique used by the guy carrying the ball to break tackles. When the tackler is within reach you simply stiffen your free arm (not the one carrying the ball or Weekly Reader) and firmly pop them on the forehead. Running at full speed, that will knock the pursuer off balance just enough to pick up a few extra yards, or in my case get enough distance to scale the fence and run home.

I’ve always been amazed at the learning curve Dad went through. He wasn’t that bright during my teenage years, but by the time I was in my twenties he was actually pretty smart.

Neutered Dogs Protest Barker's Farewell

LOS ANGELES – Hundreds of people stood outside the CBS studios during Bob Barker’s last taping of "The Price is Right," but apparently not all of them were fond of the game show host.

A group of neutered canines marched in protest with signs admonishing Barker. At the end of the popular game show, he always suggested that viewers have their pet spayed or neutered.

A beagle carried a sign that said, “You’re Next Barker!” Other signs read, “We’ve got some painful parting gifts!” and “The Slice is Right!”

CBS security isn’t sure how the dogs got there or who made their signs, but security guard Adam Simmons suggests the animals had some help. “I think these dogs know those castrated calves outside that Wendy’s in Texas last year. They had signs too.”

Some signs today appeared to be recycled from the calf protest. A Saint Bernard held a tattered piece of cardboard that asked, “What are you going to do with those? Eat them?”

Officers say the protest was peaceful. As a precaution, Barker exited through the back door and sped away in a limousine with his head out the window.

Bush Vows Postage Independence

Listening to complaints about the recent increase in stamps, President Bush spoke from the Oval Office and vowed to break America’s dependence on postage.

“We have a serious problem. America is addicted to postage, which is often used in unstable parts of the world. I’m not exempt, I admit. I use postage every time I mail a letter.”

With shrinking approval numbers the President is looking to strengthen support on domestic issues, citing the need to fix a system that has been broken for a long time.

“The U.S. Postal Service was a good idea at the time. But now we have other measures to relay messages—email, phones, gossip.”

Bush set a goal for the United States to be completely independent of any postage by the year 2025. A tall order, he admits, but feels confident that all old people who don’t use technology will be dead by then.

Though many are excited about the President’s vision, Congressional Democrats remain skeptical.

An irritated John Kerry stopped on his way to the mailbox and rhetorically asked, “How many more envelopes have to go to a dead letter office, Mr. President? We must be aggressive and end the American dependency on postage by the end of the week.”